


Boundless

by pokerap



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Beruka learns about emotions, Eventual Romance, F/M, also sometimes people get seriously injured, and doesn't know how to handle them, what if Beruka and Saizo had better support conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2018-05-31 19:33:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6484747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pokerap/pseuds/pokerap
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beruka has taken plenty of lives, but saving Saizo's has set her life on a brand new path, however unwittingly.</p>
<p>Alternatively: Beruka learns how to feel things. It's not fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a simple "what if Beruka and Saizo had a different support conversation path" and then turned into... whatever it is now. It's kept strictly to Beruka's point of view because I wanted to try writing her thoughts and feelings (or lack thereof).
> 
> This takes place during Revelation chapter 16, though there aren't any spoilers for Revelation or any of the other routes.
> 
> Finally complete! Thank you all for your patience and support!

This all started when Lady Camilla decided to join Corrin. Imagining what life would be like had Lady Camilla succeeded and killed Corrin doesn't do any good, but Beruka finds herself thinking about it now.

Maybe that's what they people mean when they say you see your life flash before your eyes as you're dying.

She thinks she's dying, anyway. Between the gaping wound in her stomach and the searing heat of the flames, she's dipping into unconsciousness. It's not a pleasant feeling at all, but the pain is beginning to fade. That's not a good sign.

There's some pressure on her stomach and she thinks someone is holding something there to keep her from bleeding out, but it's hard to tell.

"How disappointing..." It seems pointless for her life to end like this. Selena will have to protect Lady Camilla in her stead. Selena's capable, but she's emotional. Hopefully she'll focus on her duties instead of getting riled up about a death that doesn't matter much.

"You'd better not be giving up."

The gruff voice above her gets Beruka to try to focus. A flash of red is the first thing she sees before her vision starts to adjust a bit. The roaring flames nearby make it a bit hard to make him out, but she already knows who he is.

"Saizo."

"Don't give me your last words. I'm not relaying them to anyone." The ninja's scarf is gone. Beruka doesn't have to look down to know that he's using that to stop her bleeding.

"Okay." She doesn't move. With an injury like this, moving is the last thing she wants to do. "Where's...?"

Before she can even finish her question, a loud roar from somewhere behind her catches her attention. If she could feel anything, she'd probably be relieved. Her wyvern doesn't sound like she's in pain.

Saizo glances over as well, his one eye narrowed. "She took a hit, but she's fine."

"Take Minerva back. She'll let you ride her."

Minerva isn't a name Beruka would have thought of. She hadn't named her wyvern at all, actually. Selena had been appalled when she found out that Beruka was flying on an unnamed mount.

_"She needs a name! She's not just a mount, you know! She's your friend and if you won't name her, I will!"_

Selena had decided on "Minerva" less than a minute later. Beruka never asked why or how Selena came up with that name so quickly. Maybe she should have. It wouldn't have mattered.

"Stop talking like you're dying." Saizo's voice is tense. Beruka thinks he might be mad, but it's hard for her to read him. She's spent a lot of time studying the ninja because he's an unknown, but she's never been able to get a read on his emotions. He always seems mad. "I don't know how to ride a wyvern. You're flying her back."

"You can't get back until the flames die down. You have to take her."

"Then you're coming with me."

If she had emotions, Beruka thinks she would have been touched. It's not often people are that nice to someone like her.

A particularly close burst of flame gets Saizo to start and Beruka tries to assess the situation from where she's lying. The flames have been changing patterns since they got here, but she couldn't determine exactly when they'd change or where they would come up from. They're far too close to the fire as it stands. If she doesn't die from bleeding out, she'll die from the heat. The armor she's wearing is stifling. It's uncomfortable, but given the injury she sustained, she's lucky she can call it "uncomfortable" instead of "unbearable".

"You need to go."

Saizo looks at her again. She can't tell what he's thinking. Maybe if he didn't wear a mask that covers half his face she could get a better read on him. "Princess Sakura and the others aren't far away. We should be able to make it there." He tips his head in the direction. Beruka can't see anything from where she's lying.

She can't trust him even if they _are_ on the same side, but it's not like she has a choice in the matter. Minerva is directly behind her. Moving is a terrible idea, but Princess Sakura won't be able to reach them in time. She finally nods once. "Help me up."

Saizo's stronger than she'd expected. He lifts her onto Minerva and as she settles in place he sits behind her, arms tight around her waist. He's keeping that scarf pressed to her middle to hold back as much of the bleeding as possible. "You got this?"

"Yes." Minerva takes off at Beruka's urging and even though she feels like she's going to black out at any moment, the wyvern knows exactly what to do and where to go.

They touch down near the Princess and her group. It could have only been a few minutes at most, but it feels like it's been hours. Beruka still doesn't feel any pain, but her vision is quickly fading and she's convinced she really is dying. "Hey! We need a healer—"

They're the last words she hears before everything goes dark and she starts to fall from Minerva's back.


	2. Chapter 2

Beruka wakes up to see an unfamiliar wooden ceiling. A quick glance around confirms it; she has no idea where she is. The layout of the room is sparse but the room itself seems to be Hoshidan-inspired. The strange sliding doors are what clue her in and it takes her a moment to place it.

"The other world...?" Her voice is surprisingly strong and she's a bit startled to hear it.

"Hey," The same gruff voice from before greets her and Beruka turns her head to see Saizo sitting beside her. "Nice of you to finally wake up."

"Is this your room?"

"Yeah."

They fall silent and Beruka looks it over once more. There isn't anything in this room to imply that it's Saizo's. She's not sure what she would have expected of his living space, but it's as empty as hers is.

She turns her head to look at him again. Saizo's sitting on her left side, which means she can see his closed, damaged right eye. He rarely lets anyone stay on this side for long. His brother is one of the only exceptions and when they fight, Kaze is always on this side.

It was a weakness she planned on exploiting if the need ever came up. If she could feel anything, Beruka would be surprised at how he's dismissed her as a threat. He had told her before their mission started that he would be keeping a close eye on her.

 _"I don't trust you and neither does Prince Takumi,"_ Saizo had said. _"You're only here because Princess Camilla insisted on it."_

Beruka looks back up at the ceiling again. Lady Camilla hadn't trusted the Hoshidans to send one person to scout ahead. She'd wanted to send Beruka, because she knew Beruka could be trusted. The Hoshidans hadn't seen it that way, obviously.

It's strange to think that if only one of them had been sent, they'd be dead.

"How long have I been asleep?"

"Not long." Saizo's polishing one of his shurikens as he speaks. He seems unconcerned. "As soon as we touched down Princess Sakura healed you. You were sent back here to rest. The others are probably still battling Nohrian forces."

"I see." What a shame. Lady Camilla had been so hopeful that her brothers would come around and join Corrin's side. Beruka's sure it won't end well if Lady Camilla has to fight Prince Xander or Prince Leo. It would be a shame if Lady Camilla died now. "I should go."

"You know that's a stupid idea." Saizo snorts. "You're healed but you're going to need time to rest before it's safe to fight again. You'll open that right back up otherwise."

Beruka says nothing, but she knows he's right. She wouldn't be useful in her condition anyway, but she doesn't like the thought of leaving Lady Camilla on the battlefield without one of her retainers. Lady Camilla can handle herself in most circumstances, but facing off against her brothers is not one Beruka had planned for.

Perhaps she should have. It was naive to think that Lady Camilla was right and that Prince Xander and Prince Leo would turn on their father. Beruka should have prepared for the worst possible outcome.

They're silent for a long time before Beruka finally speaks up again. "Why are you here with me?"

"Someone had to be."

"Yes, but why _you?_ "

Saizo doesn't answer. He sets the shuriken aside and moves onto another one. She's not sure if he's pretending he didn't hear the question (he obviously heard it) or if he's trying to find an answer. His expression is unreadable. She's never liked that about him.

"Why?" She presses after a painfully long minute of silence.

"Prince Takumi wanted me to sit this one out. My injuries aren't as severe as yours, but they were hindering my performance." He sounds angry. What he's saying doesn't make any sense.

"You weren't injured," Beruka says, moving a bit to prop herself up on her elbow. "The Nohrian troops we engaged—"

"You intercepted them and took the hit for me. _I remember_." Saizo's scrubbing the shurkien pretty hard. She wonders if he'll break it. "After you blacked out, we fought some others."

She thinks she can see where this is going, but she asks anyway. "Did you protect me?"

"I don't like leaving my debts unpaid. I don't want to owe a debt to a Nohrian assassin."

Beruka doesn't say anything in response. She suspected as much, but it's strange to hear him attempt to justify it. She's sure what he's saying is true; Saizo's honor is something she can't understand, but it's very important to him. He probably feels slighted that she took an attack meant for him. He probably would have been furious if she had died from it. Maybe that was why he worked so hard to keep her alive.

"Thank you." She finally says.

Saizo turns to face her fully. His eye is narrowed again and he's studying her closely, like he's looking for some other meaning behind the two words. Maybe he thinks she's not being genuine. She's not sure.

"I only did what was required."

"You used your scarf to save me." Beruka tips her head a bit. "You're very fond of that scarf."

"I— What?" He's looking at her like she's lost her mind. "Why are you so concerned about my _scarf_ of all things?"

"I'm not concerned. It was just something I noticed."

Saizo shakes his head. She thinks he's probably exasperated. "Go to sleep. I'll wake you when Princess Camilla and the others get back."

That's surprisingly kind of him. She wasn't expecting that. Normally she would never sleep in a potential threat's presence, but apparently he really does consider them allies. It's strange to think about. "Is that why we're in your room? So you can keep an eye on me?"

For a moment it looks like Saizo's blushing, but he stands and turns to leave before she can tell if she was just seeing things or not. "Go to bed."

She doesn't have anything else to say to him, so she does.


	3. Chapter 3

Lady Camilla filled her in on everything that happened. Prince Xander and Prince Leo have joined Corrin's army. Things turned out far better than Beruka would have ever thought. They're all taking a well-deserved break in Corrin's castle in the other world. They have an unspecified amount of time before they need to return. Beruka has never liked timeframes like that.

No matter how much time she spends here, Beruka will never get used to this strange alternate world. The castle is magnificent, though the blend between Nohrian and Hoshidan architecture gives it a very strange look on the inside. Outside there are all sorts of things to look at — such as the arena and the lottery shop, or the fields and mines — and now that she's feeling up to working again, Beruka has been tending to the animals kept in the stables. She made sure to thank Minerva for all her hard work first before beginning. Her wyvern has once again proven her usefulness in battle and while Beruka isn't one to give gratitude often, she means every word spoken to her companion.

She's nearing the end of her duties when she hears footsteps. Beruka turns to assess the situation — a force of habit that has proven to be vital in the past — but she relaxes quickly. "What are you doing here?"

Saizo looks out of place among the animals. She could never imagine him handling them on his own; he's far too skittish to keep them calm. He's watching the pegasi warily, but once again he seems fine being alone with Beruka. It's interesting. "That red-haired girl asked me to give this to you."

He's talking about Selena, of course. Beruka sets the brush down and leaves the horse she was tending to. Saizo is holding some kind of cloth in his hands and he's glancing away. Beruka unfolds it she realizes what it is. "Oh, a new cape." Hers had been ripped off during the battle, though she can't recall if it was the fighter or the mercenary that took it off. This one is in the same dark purple color, just as she likes it.

(She had once expressed a mild preference in dark colors to Selena. Selena's never letting go of it. She says it's important that Beruka has favorites. Beruka never told her that she prefers dark colors because it's easier to blend in with them. Bright colors draw attention and Beruka already stands out enough with her hair color.)

A note falls from the folds and Beruka catches it quickly. "Thank you. You didn't need to come here to deliver it."

Saizo rolls his one good eye and leaves without another word. She can't say she's surprised. He's just as efficient as she is, which she would have taken as an insult before that battle. Curious. Beruka turns her attention to the note instead of pondering that further. It's in Selena's slanted handwriting. Beruka's a bit surprised Saizo didn't notice the note among the folds of the cape.

_Beruka! I'm glad you're alright! I still want to go shopping with you, so don't you dare forget!_

_Also, you didn't tell me Saizo likes you! Why didn't you? I'm so proud of you! He helped me pick this one out, but he probably won't tell you that._

_Come find me when you're done, okay!_

_—Selena_

She tips her head a bit as she reads. Why does Selena think Saizo likes her? They're acquaintances. Comrades, maybe, if she's being generous. There's nothing else they could be. They certainly aren't friends. The assertion that Saizo helped Selena pick this cape out is a strange one and she's not sure she believes it.

What point would there be in Selena lying about that though? This is confusing. Beruka shakes her head and pulls the cape on. It's a bit shorter than her other one but it fits properly around her shoulders and there's enough give around the neck for it to be comfortable. It's a suitable replacement. She likes it, as much as she likes anything that is.

It doesn't take her long to finish her work and she makes her way to Selena's usual spot. Her fellow retainer is outside the weapon shop, sharpening her sword. "Are you done with your duties?" Beruka asks calmly. She could comment on how rough Selena's being with her sword, but she keeps that thought to herself.

"Are you?" Selena shoots back before she looks up. She smiles brightly when she realizes she's speaking to Beruka. " _Beruka!_ There you are! I was getting worried, you know?"

"No," Beruka says with her usual deadpan expression. Selena huffs in response and glances away. Her face is turning red, as it always does when she gets embarrassed.

"Whatever. Look, are you going shopping with me or not!?"

"I guess."

" _Good_ , I've already let Lady Camilla know we'll be gone for a bit!"

Beruka was expecting exactly that, but it's interesting that Selena knew she would agree. Is she really that easy for other people to read? How strange. She had always thought her stoic behavior was off-putting to others.

The deeprealm Selena leads her to is similar to their own world and the street they first enter seems almost identical to the underground market in Nohr. Beruka keeps an eye out for potential threats while Selena shops, which is how they always operate.

"Look at these earrings! Aren't they so cute?"

"Sure."

"And this necklace! Have you ever seen anything so adorable!?"

"I guess."

She doesn't understand why Selena always wants to bring her shopping. Beruka has no interest in accessories and only buys clothes when she absolutely needs to. She doesn't see what Selena is getting out of this, aside from someone to carry her bags.

"Hey, quit lollygagging!" Selena's got her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face. "We've still got a bunch of stalls to stop at!"

"Okay." Beruka wasn't "lollygagging", she was eyeing a couple that seemed like they were exchanging weapons but she picks up her pace anyway. The next stall has rings and Selena coos over them for awhile before finally turning to Beruka, a serious look on her face.

"Do you ever think about getting married?"

"What?" The question isn't a complete surprise given how Selena's got a fancy ring with a large stone set in it on her ring finger, but Beruka never expected such a question to be directed at her.

Selena's staring back at the ring on her finger. She looks sort of sad, maybe. It's a strange expression and not one Beruka has seen very often. She's not sure what it means. "I think about it, sometimes. I think it'd be nice."

Beruka tips her head a bit. "Maybe. Why are you asking me though?"

"You haven't thought about it?"

"No. Marriage isn't for someone like me."

Selena scoffs, flicking her hair out of her face. "Gods, Beruka. 'Someone like you,' seriously? You're a cute girl, you're definitely going to attract someone's attention!"

"I don't feel things like everyone else. Why would I get married to someone when I can't feel love?" The concept of love is strange enough as it is, but the thought of someone loving her enough to want to marry her is something Beruka can't wrap her head around.

That gets another loud huff from her companion. "Just because you haven't felt it before doesn't mean you'll never feel it! Maybe you've just got to find the right person." Before Beruka can say anything Selena's smirking and asking pointedly, "Like, say... _Saizo?_ "

Beruka stares blankly for a long moment. The question is so bizarre she needs time to process that it was just asked in all seriousness. She's never been very good at telling when someone's joking. "I don't understand. We're allies. We went on one mission together and it was a failure."

"But you saved his life! And he saved yours! That's not the sort of thing you'd do for just _anyone!_ "

Selena actually has a point. Beruka can justify why she saved Saizo's life, but in the moment when that Nohrian soldier was bringing his axe down on Saizo's right side, where he wouldn't be able to move quickly enough to block or dodge the blow... why had she jumped in? She didn't have enough time to debate the merits of saving a Hoshidan's life. In that moment, he should have been a Hoshidan soldier and she should have been a Nohrian in the service of royalty. There should have been no reason for her to put her own life at risk for him.

How strange. "That doesn't mean anything. He is our ally."

" _Ugh_." Selena groans as she hands over enough gold for the ring. "You know, I'm starting to think you don't have emotions because you don't _let_ yourself feel anything."

The harsh words don't get Beruka to bat an eye, but they do bring up an interesting point. Could that be possible? She'll have to consider it later. "How much longer do you plan on spending here?"

"As long as it takes for me to feel less stressed! You're not helping with that, by the way." Selena's pouting and Beruka suspects she's supposed to say something to her companion, but she has no idea what response Selena is looking for.

Instead she decides to switch topics. "You said in that note that Saizo helped you pick this out." Beruka touches the cape where it's wrapped around her shoulders in explanation. "Is that true?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"Not about something like this."

"I wouldn't lie to you at all! _Gods_." They stop at a food stall next and Selena purchases a sugary roll of bread to munch on as they continue. "But yeah, he did help me out. I was going to get you one anyway, because yours was ruined. It was just because you needed a new one and you wouldn't go until I dragged you out shopping! So I figured I'd just do it for you!"

"Okay." She knows Selena gets bent out of shape about acts of kindness like this, so Beruka decides not to comment on it. She _could_ say that getting one so soon was pointless, since obviously she's here shopping with Selena now, but Beruka knows when to let things go. She's learned that much about Selena, at least.

"Saizo showed up while I was considering a few. He came out of nowhere! I guess I should expect that from a ninja, but still..." The last of the sugar roll is popped into Selena's mouth and she chews thoughtfully for a moment while she considers a floral print dress on display. It's gaudy and bright and would attract entirely too much attention. Beruka can't imagine wearing it. The neckline is particularly baffling. It would expose most of her chest and leave her vulnerable to attack. She's not sure why Selena's looking at it. Is it because she's confused why anyone would wear something like this? "He knew it was for you and he pointed out that one. He said the shorter length would be better. Less to grab onto, stuff like that."

That's certainly a very good point. Her old cape had plenty of give where it could be snagged on something. She'd had problems with it in the woods a few times in some of their previous battles. Had Saizo seen that? Interesting.

"So I got it for you and then said I was too busy to take it to you. I didn't give up until he agreed to go give it to you." Selena winks, looking very proud of herself. "I think he's just shy. But he's definitely into you!"

"No, I don't think he's 'into' me." Beruka shakes her head. "He feels he owes me a debt. I saved his life."

Selena knows all about how important that sort of thing is. Anyone who's spent any amount of time around Kaze knows. "And he saved yours. There's no reason for him to get you _gifts_. That's not repaying the debt at all, is it?"

That's a good point. Beruka tips her head a bit as she thinks about it. Gifts don't seem like Saizo's style either. If he was operating strictly on necessities, he wouldn't have gotten her a cape anyway. More armor, perhaps, or another weapon, but certainly not a cape. She honestly can't picture Saizo shopping for anything that _isn't_ a necessity. Beruka's interrupted when Selena shoves a box in her hands. It looks like she decided to get the dress, which would probably be a little concerning if Beruka had feelings. "One last stop!" She sounds way too cheerful and Beruka adjusts the box along with the others so she can carry them comfortably.

The final stall is another one that sells jewelry, which isn't a surprise. Selena seems to be very fond of dressing up, though Beruka hasn't seen her wear most of her purchases. Perhaps it really is some kind of stress reliever to shop for things she doesn't need. It seems like a waste.

"Okay. So." Selena's looking at the jewelry on display and she's already turning pink. "I wanted to get something. You know, for you and me and Lady Camilla."

Beruka bites back the initial question of "why" and waits for Selena to continue. It takes her companion a bit to struggle through her words. "So... So I thought you could help me pick something out. I just... I want to have something... in case something happens, you know?"

It takes her a moment to figure out what Selena means. "You want a reminder of me in case I die."

"No! No. _No_ , that's not it!" Selena's bright red now. This is the point Lady Camilla would stop teasing her if Lady Camilla had caused this. "It's just... we're not always going to be Lady Camilla's retainers!"

"What do you mean?"

"What happens after this war? What happens when the world's at peace? What if we decide to go somewhere else?"

"I don't understand." The idea of leaving Lady Camilla for anything or anyone is a strange one. No one is more trustworthy than Lady Camilla. If there _was_ someone out there, Beruka would have no problems turning on her master, but since there _isn't_ , this idea is bizarre. Living a life that doesn't involve Lady Camilla and Selena is a strange thought. She wonders when her life reached this point, but there really isn't any sense in thinking too much about it. This is the way things are now, that's all that matters.

Selena sighs, defeated. "Just help me pick something out. We all have to match!"

"Do you expect me to wear jewelry?"

"Yes."

"In battle?"

"Of course!" Selena looks angry. Beruka has probably asked too many questions. "We don't always fight together, so it'll be a reminder that you've got us on your side!"

It's a very sentimental way of looking at it, but it is a nice thought, she supposes. Beruka finally nods. "A necklace. I can wear that under my armor." It will feel strange and it probably won't be comfortable, but it's less distracting than a ring or a bracelet would be.

That seems to satisfy Selena and after a moment of looking she comes across something she likes. The necklace has a silver chain with three stones set into a charm hanging in the center. The middle stone is purple while the two on either side are black. "This is perfect! Do you have two more of these?" She asks the man tending the stall and after a moment Selena has three necklaces purchased. She doesn't hand these boxes to Beruka though, instead she holds onto them herself.

"Come on, let's go see Lady Camilla!" Selena seems to be over her embarrassment for the time being, but Beruka suspects she'll be back to her usual self when they speak with Lady Camilla about the necklaces.

———————

Lady Camilla is thrilled. She puts the necklace on right away and coos over it for more time than Beruka really cares for or sees a point in, but it's obvious that she means every word. When she's faking affection, Lady Camilla tends to close her eyes and smile a bit too broadly. It's a passive sort of aggression that Beruka doesn't really understand, but Lady Camilla is very fond of employing it.

Selena's bright red again, but she looks less mad than she usually gets when she's embarrassed. She's obviously happy that her gift means so much to Lady Camilla. Beruka should probably feel something about this, but she doesn't.

She wears the necklace anyway. It feels strange and she doesn't really like it, but it will make Lady Camilla and Selena happy.


	4. Chapter 4

Days pass. Time moves differently here than it does in their world, but Beruka doesn't like the idea of sitting here doing nothing. Menial tasks around the castle aren't doing enough to take the edge off, so she's pleased when she's given an assignment in a deeprealm.

Scouting has taken her high in the air, where only Minerva can hear her. She likes these moments (as much as she likes anything) because up here she only has herself and her wyvern to rely on. There aren't any confusing social situations to navigate and there aren't any feelings. She usually does her job as quickly as she can and she lands, but sometimes she likes to spend a little bit of extra time up here.

Now isn't one of those times, however. The village she's studying is overrun with Faceless, but that's not new information. She doesn't see the point in eliminating Faceless in a town that isn't part of their world, but apparently Corrin felt the need to drag them out here. Does it really matter what happens here if it has no impact on their world at all? She's curious about how Corrin got information about this attack in time to step in and save the village, but she decides it doesn't really matter. She's a soldier; she follows her orders and she doesn't ask questions.

Beruka takes a quick tally of the number of Faceless in the area and prepares to return with her report when she catches sight of something red. She recognizes it immediately. "That doesn't seem ideal for a ninja," She muses aloud and Minerva grunts in response. Maybe it's not very stealthy for an assassin to ride a wyvern, but she likes Minerva. Maybe Saizo's very fond of his outfit. She still doesn't see a point in styling his hair like that when it already draws attention to him, but apparently ninja are very good at what they do. It had taken her quite some time to get used to tracking their movements, after all.

She returns to Lady Camilla's side with her report. "Oh dear," Her lady says with a sigh. "I wasn't aware Prince Ryoma was sending one of his scouts. I didn't mean to trouble you, Beruka."

"It wasn't any trouble." She says and as always, she means it.

Lady Camilla shakes her head. "Well now, what do you want to do?"

Beruka stares. A second ticks by, then another. "Lady Camilla?"

"Do you want to go back to the castle?" Her mistress's words are calm and patient, as they always are. If Beruka's failure to grasp what Lady Camilla is saying is bothering her, she's not showing it at all.

"I don't understand. It is my duty to fight by your side."

"Yes, but surely you're aware of the situation by now?"

It dawns on her after a moment. Lady Camilla is no longer the first to rush into battle. She can't be. Lady Camilla is one of the people in charge of the Nohrian soldiers serving Corrin. Yes, she ultimately follows Corrin's wishes and defers to Xander and Leo, but Lady Camilla is a commander now. She's no longer a soldier carrying out King Garon's orders.

Lady Camilla's life may not be on the line, but Beruka's objective is clear. "I will fight in my lady's place."

"Good girl," Lady Camilla replies with a bright smile. "See to it that Prince Ryoma's retainer doesn't get himself ambushed by the Faceless."

She doesn't understand why the conversation feels awkward suddenly. It wasn't awkward before and usually Beruka doesn't care if a conversation becomes strained. Sometimes she can't tell when it has taken a turn like this. Is this because conversations with Lady Camilla usually aren't strangely forced? She doesn't understand. She doesn't have time to try to understand. "Of course." She jumps back on Minerva's back and readies her axe.

When she returns to the area she spotted Saizo in she's not surprised to find that he's vanished. There are several spots where dark magic is dissipating, which can only mean that Faceless in the area have been defeated. "He's strong," She comments aloud, but Minerva doesn't reply. Her wyvern has spotted something and is heading towards it. Beruka has never once doubted Minerva's judgement, so she doesn't try to redirect the wyvern.

It's a child. Minerva touches down but it takes Beruka a moment to decide what to do. She was not given orders but her primary focus is always on defeating the enemy. Rescuing civilians is not her area of expertise. She can understand why others would care about that, but it's important for her to prioritize the mission above all else. That's how she's always operated. "Minerva," She starts to say — her wyvern _knows_ how she functions — but Minerva clearly isn't having any of it today, as she bucks and Beruka nearly falls.

"Alright," She says instead, catching herself so she doesn't topple off Minerva's back and narrowing her eyes. Once she's off Minerva and approaching the child, Beruka is once again struck by how ill-equipped she is to handle this situation. She doesn't know anything about children. She has no idea how to talk to one.

The boy has dark brown hair and he's curled in on himself, his face buried against his knees as he sobs. "Little boy, come with me." Beruka says, offering him her hand. She keeps her axe in her right hand and she keeps a close eye out for Faceless, even though she knows Minerva won't allow anything to happen to her. Her words are stiff and awkward.

The child continues to sob, shrinking away from Beruka's outstretched hand. She sighs and if she could feel anything, she'd probably feel frustrated. "Come with me. We don't have time for this." The child shakes his head without looking up. "Do you want to die here?" There's a hard edge to her voice that clearly isn't helping the situation any, but she can't seem to get rid of it. This is a waste of time.

"You're not going to convince him like that."

Beruka looks up immediately, tightening her grip on her axe. She pulls away from the child, which strangely enough gets him to relax. Minerva didn't react to the presence of someone else, so this person can only be someone Minerva considers an ally, but Beruka never takes any chances.

Saizo is leaning against a tree, his arms folded. She thinks he probably looks amused beneath the mask. If she's forced to work with him more often she might have to learn how to read him properly with the mask on. It's a task she doesn't have any opinion on, but it would probably take up a good amount of her time. "Do you want to help?" She asks. It's not sarcastic, but it easily could have been.

"Not really." He doesn't move from the tree.

Beruka sighs. "So you're going to risk us getting killed by waiting on _me_ to come up with the right thing to say to console this child?"

"Talking about him like that certainly isn't going to help." The ninja moves forward then, brushing past Beruka at a speed that's entirely too quick for any normal person. She watches as Saizo crouches beside the child, exchanging quiet words with him. She didn't think Saizo would be good with kids. He's just as stiff as she is and he always looks and sounds angry.

Saizo's demeanor doesn't change at all as he's speaking. The boy's crying doesn't stop, but he eventually manages to look up at Saizo and nod. Presumably whatever the ninja is doing is working. Beruka wonders what he feels. Does Saizo like kids? Does he feel sorry for the boy? Maybe he's only doing this because it's important that they hurry to finish off the Faceless. She doesn't know and she has no way of knowing. She's pretty sure this is what frustration feels like.

"Come on." Saizo says, tipping his head in Minerva's direction. "I'm going to need you to fly us to safety."

"Of course." She can handle that. She might not be able to understand what Saizo or the boy are feeling, but she can bring them to safety. That's simple.

Minerva allows the three of them up and once the boy is hanging on tightly to Beruka's cape, she takes off. The boy is probably still crying. She suspects she should have some sort of emotional reaction to that (sorrow that his whole family is presumably dead?) but she feels nothing, as usual. 

The boy is passed off to Princess Elise, who immediately pulls him into a hug and starts trying to console him. Beruka's job isn't done though. "Come with me." She says to Saizo once she's settled on Minerva's back.

The ninja looks at Minerva cautiously before finally nodding. Beruka holds out a hand and Saizo pulls himself up. There's a brief moment where she suspects a normal person might have felt something, but then his arms are around her waist and she's taking off.

She likes her alone time up here, but maybe it's not so bad to have someone else with her and Minerva. Beruka doesn't think about it for long before Saizo's jumping off to fight the Faceless and she's taking out the ones that might catch him off-guard on his right.

It's nice to know he trusts her on this side in battle, she supposes.

———————

The boy was settled in with a new family in another village. Princess Elise won't stop talking about him. Lady Camilla won't stop either. Actually, most of the members of the army who were there are talking about him. Beruka doesn't understand what could possibly be all that fascinating about a boy who lost his family in an attack on his village. Is it because he survived? She would ask, but she's not sure she wants to know the answer. It won't matter even if she does; she'll still feel nothing for that boy.

She's sitting in the stables in front of Minerva, arms folded on top of her knees. She doesn't say anything to her wyvern, but she knows Minerva doesn't need her to. Her wyvern knows her just as well as Lady Camilla does. It's obvious that Minerva understands that other lives are important, even if the life in question is that of a child who has already lost everything. How can a wyvern understand that better than she can?

She always thought it was beneficial to not have to worry about emotions. She could focus on her job and complete her missions without distraction. That was ideal. She's not sure it's still ideal. That leaves her with more questions that she's not sure she'll find the answers to.

Is she broken? Can she be fixed?

"Sheesh, Beruka. What are you doing in here?" Selena's voice is loud and it cuts through Beruka's thoughts. "Everyone's pigging out. You're going to miss dinner at this rate."

"I'm not hungry."

Selena sighs and pulls her hair up so it won't trail on the stable floor. She sits beside Beruka, though she's looking up at Minerva. "They're saying it's weird that you saved that kid instead of killing all the Faceless."

"I know."

"Are you okay?"

The question is a strange one and Beruka stares at Selena. Selena's still refusing to meet her gaze, but her partner doesn't look annoyed anymore. Contemplative, perhaps, but not annoyed. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, if it was me, I'd probably be mad that they're saying such mean things about me."

"But they're true. I would have prioritized the Faceless threat before the child."

Selena makes a face at that and finally glances over. "You really don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?" She knows that's not the answer Selena wants, but Beruka doesn't know what she's talking about.

" _Why_ it's important to save that kid's life! Why you shouldn't say stuff like that! Why everyone's always calling you cold and heartless!" Selena runs a hand through her bangs and sighs loudly. "You're not a terrible person, Beruka, but sometimes you act like it!"

She's quiet for a moment, trying to figure out what to say to that. She _is_ a terrible person. Nothing Selena says can ever change the things she's done. Even if she was the kindest person in the army now (she's not) she could never make up for what she's done. She's killed innocent people for money. Objectively speaking, she _is_ a terrible person and always will be. Even if Selena's ignoring that (which certainly wouldn't surprise her), she's told Selena that she doesn't feel things like everyone else. Sometimes it seems like Selena doesn't understand that at all.

"I didn't feel anything for that child. I didn't feel sad about what happened to his family. I didn't feel angry that the Faceless had taken them from him. I didn't feel pity for his situation. It would have been best to handle the Faceless first, because they could pose a threat to the members of our army. We cannot afford to lose anyone. That child has already lost his family. I don't see how saving him could possibly be more important than ensuring our army is in peak condition." Beruka's words are straightforward and even. She knows Selena won't like them.

Selena doesn't respond immediately either, but she's no longer looking at Beruka. She has her chin propped on her knees and she's staring at the floor. "Why are you like this?" She's very quiet when she finally speaks. "What happened to you to make you this way?"

Beruka tips her head a bit. "I've always been like this. My parents left me before I was old enough to remember their faces. I was raised by an assassin who taught me how to make a living by killing for money. I don't remember being any other way."

"That's... That's so horrible..."

"Are you crying?"

" _No_." Tears are streaking her face anyway and Selena sniffles as she brusquely runs the back of her hand across her eyes. "And even if I _was_ you wouldn't understand why."

The words are sharp and she suspects that if she were able to feel things, hearing them would hurt. She really is broken, isn't she? If she can't understand simple human emotions like this when everyone else can, then clearly she's the one that's wrong. Understanding emotions might not make her a better retainer for Lady Camilla, but it still feels like she's missing out on something very important, especially when Selena is sitting beside her and crying about her past. She doesn't understand. What happened in her past wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't terrible either. It happened, but it's over now and her life is better.

Beruka knows she should say something, but ultimately she can't find anything to say. She doesn't know how to comfort people and even if she did, it doesn't feel right to give Selena hollow words that ultimately won't change anything. Instead she gets up and leaves.

There's nothing she can say or do that will help. Selena's sobs are louder as she exits the stables and they ring in her ears for the rest of the night.


	5. Chapter 5

A vital part of the castle's structure in this other world involves chores. There are some standard things like tending to the armory or feeding the mounts, but there are stranger tasks like running the lottery shop or collecting bets in the arena. Beruka doesn't have a strong opinion on any of these, but there are a few she dislikes a bit more than others.

Cooking has never been one of Beruka's talents. She's been told her cooking is always too salty, even when she completely avoids salt. She's not entirely sure how that's possible and it always tastes fine to her. Normally she doesn't have to work in the mess hall very often, so finding herself on duty today was a bit of a surprise.

Still, Beruka always does what's asked of her. She's working with Saizo today which is less of a surprise. He doesn't seem startled when she arrives, so presumably he was expecting this. Maybe someone's working behind the scenes to try to get them to interact more. Beruka has no idea why, but it would make more sense than this being a strictly random occurrence. Besides, she's fairly sure Lady Camilla has some hand in deciding who goes where for the daily jobs around the castle. Lady Camilla _is_ fond of making sure her retainers are happy (or as happy as Beruka gets, anyway) and if Selena was gossiping about what she believes is going on with Beruka and Saizo... well, it's no wonder they're working together today.

They work in silence, both because the recipe is simple and because they don't need to speak to one another. The silence doesn't feel oppressive or awkward at all and Beruka suspects that Saizo would break it if he felt it was unbearable. Beruka cuts vegetables swiftly and efficiently while Saizo handles the task of mixing everything in a pot. She sees him adding extra ingredients, but since none of them are poisonous in any way she doesn't comment on it.

By the time they're done preparing the dish (a Hoshidan soup of some sort that has entirely too many beans in it for Beruka's taste) several of the others have arrived. Selena isn't around, but Beruka didn't expect to see her today. She's probably still upset. Beruka doesn't understand why, but thinking about it isn't going to get her anywhere. As usual, she simply dismisses the thought and focuses on what's directly in front of her.

"Are you ready yet?" Lady Camilla asks, poking her head into the kitchen. She's smiling broadly and Saizo spares her the briefest of glances before returning to stirring the soup.

Beruka is standing nearby and she nods. "Almost. It will take a few more minutes."

"Amazing, you didn't even need to speak to know that!" Her mistress giggles before returning to the dining hall.

Beruka isn't entirely sure why that's important. It really is obvious that it'll only take a bit longer before the soup is prepared, but this makes it seem like Lady Camilla had something to do with the scheduling today. The princess seems to be looking for any sort of sign that Selena is right. She's also acting perfectly normal, so perhaps Selena didn't mention their conversation to Lady Camilla. She supposes it doesn't really matter anyway.

"Try it." Saizo's holding the spoon out to her so Beruka pushes the thought aside. He's still wearing the mask and she can't read his expression. He doesn't look angry though.

"Shouldn't you? I don't know what this is supposed to taste like." She drops her gaze to eye the beans suspiciously. There isn't much Beruka doesn't like. Beans are one of the rare exceptions to her neutral stance on nearly everything else.

"It's not poisoned."

Beruka looks up at that, frowning. "I know it isn't. You couldn't kill me with poison anyway."

"How do you—" Saizo shakes his head. She thinks that might be an expression of exasperation, but it's hard to tell. "Never mind. Just try it."

She does. Beruka pulls back immediately, making a face. She grabs a glass and fills it to the brim with water before drinking the entire thing. Saizo's watching impassively; she can see him from the corner of her eye. When she pauses to take a breath, she manages to get out, "Hot," before refilling her glass.

"Good." Saizo replies, like this is the exact response he wanted. "Now I won't be stuck cooking again."

That's the most mercenary thing she's heard and for some strange reason, Beruka finds herself laughing. It starts as a short, sharp burst that gets her shoulders to shake and suddenly she finds that she _can't stop_. It startles Saizo and he stares at her wide-eyed for a long moment while she tries to get herself under control. "I— Sorry, I... I think I found that funny." She's not sure why that's suddenly made things awkward. Beruka did feel something for a moment (she's not sure what it was), but now the silence is strange and tense.

Saizo's expression relaxes after a moment and he turns away. "Your sense of humor works."

She's not entirely sure why he'd say that, but Saizo's out the door with the pot before she can ask him. His voice sounded strange. It takes her a moment to try to compare it to the others she talks to frequently before she can find something similar. It's like when Camilla is trying to explain something to her. Gentle. _Gentle?_ She never thought she'd apply that word to someone as prickly as Saizo.

It doesn't really matter. The noise in the dining hall picks up as Saizo presumably dishes out the food and the idea of everyone getting a mouthful of spicy food makes her want to laugh again.

Beruka has never experienced humor before. It's a nice feeling. The rest of this might be awkward, but at least humor is interesting.

———————

Unsurprisingly, Saizo is taken off of mess hall duty. The rest of the week feels strangely empty without his presence in the kitchen, though Beruka doesn't understand why. It shouldn't feel empty at all. She shouldn't be able to feel anything like that since she _is_ empty.

She's asked Lady Camilla why they haven't returned to their world yet, but Lady Camilla hasn't had an answer for her. It sounds as though Corrin is stalling, though Lady Camilla isn't sure why. Beruka has no right to complain, but she misses battle. It feels like it's been forever since she fought against the Faceless and helped save that child, but it can't have been more than a week in this world.

(It would have been about an hour in their world, wouldn't it? That's strange to think about, so she simply dismisses it.)

Beruka hasn't seen much of Selena since that night in the stables. Selena has been around, but she's been spending more time with Laslow and Odin. It's strange that the three of them are friends considering Laslow's flirtatious ways and Odin's... everything. Beruka wouldn't have thought Selena would like them at all. It isn't anything she's concerned about though; Selena will eventually get over it and talk to her again. It's happened before. It'll happen again. Beruka won't ever understand Selena properly, but everything will go back to normal at some point.

Until then, she can bury the strange feelings of isolation. That's what she thinks it is, anyway. It's hard to tell.

She's on cooking duty with Charlotte for the remainder of the week, and while Charlotte seemed irritated at first having her schedule changed, she's quickly adopted the role. "Isn't this _fun_ , Beruka?" She slams down on the word hard and her cutesy act breaks a little. There's murder in her eyes and Beruka wonders what she did now.

"No," She replies truthfully. "I'm not having fun."

"Neither am I. Do you want to know _why_ , Beruka?"

She doesn't like the repetition of her name or the way Charlotte says it like she's spewing venom. "Not particularly."

Charlotte continues as if Beruka hadn't spoken, "Because _you_ don't know anything about peeling potatoes! Just _look_ at this!"

The potato she's holding up is indeed poorly peeled. Beruka nods once. "Yes. I cut my finger and didn't want to bleed on the potato."

"So you just threw it in with the rest like I wouldn't notice!?" Charlotte's voice has gone higher in pitch than anticipated.

"I thought you wouldn't."

The fighter slams her fist on the counter making the cooking utensils rattle. "Do you think I'm an _idiot!?_ "

Beruka considers not answering for a moment, but she decides that any attempts to spare Charlotte's feelings won't serve any purpose. "Yes." She says simply instead.

Charlotte's face is red and she looks like she might actually attempt to throttle Beruka on the spot, but they're interrupted when a voice reaches their ears. "Is everything alright in here?"

She turns toward the voice, surprised to see the green-haired ninja. Kaze, Saizo's younger twin brother. Immediately Charlotte's demeanor changes and she sounds overly sweet and kind again. "Oh, yes! It was really nice of you to check in on us! Would you like a taste?"

Kaze shakes his head. "No thank you. I thought I heard shouting."

"Oh goodness, no! I was complimenting Beruka on her potato-peeling skills, that's all!" Charlotte rests her hands on her chest, batting her eyelashes. Beruka wonders what the purpose of this act is.

The ninja doesn't look convinced, but when he turns to look at Beruka questioningly, her face remains as passive as always. "Yes, that's exactly what happened." She says before he can ask.

The ninja finally nods and leaves. Whether he was convinced or not isn't really important. Charlotte seems to have run out of steam; she doesn't look as furious anymore. Her hands are settled on her hips and she's glaring, but it's no longer as intense. "Why'd you go and do that, huh?" The harsh manner of speaking is back. It's what Beruka's been hearing since she started working with Charlotte and she finds it preferable to the sugary sweet tone. "You could've told him the truth."

"There was no reason to. Petty squabbles about potatoes aren't important."

"Well, yeah." Charlotte agrees begrudgingly. "But you didn't have to do that for me."

"I wasn't doing that to spare you or protect your act." Beruka responds. "I was only doing it because I didn't feel the need to make a scene."

Charlotte flips her long blonde hair and sighs. "Whatever. Just take care of that cut and get back to peeling."

Beruka doesn't say anything else, but the silence feels tense. It isn't comfortable like it was with Saizo.

She wasn't aware she could actually _miss_ someone. It's a very strange feeling. It's only because his company was slightly preferable to Charlotte's, but it's an odd thought to have anyway.

———————

"They went on a _date!_ Can you believe that? _A date!_ "

Beruka isn't sure how she ended up listening to Charlotte rant about everyone else in the army, but there's no going back now. Cooking duty has involved a lot more social interaction than she had wanted. This is the last day she's working with Charlotte though and next week she'll be doing something else around the castle. It'll be a welcome relief to have time alone again.

"Oh sure, he didn't call it a date, but taking a girl alone to stargaze? That's totally a date!" Charlotte slams another daikon down on the cutting board and chops it to bits. Each slam of the knife makes the cutting board shake. She could point out that doing this will ruin the knife, but instead Beruka watches silently. "What does he even see in her? She's so clumsy she managed to trip over _nothing!_ And when she's not tripping she's spilling _everything!_ She got tea on Benny's armor! I had to help him scrub that out for like, two hours!"

"Do you really believe Prince Xander would have been interested in you?" Beruka asks, interrupting Charlotte's tirade. It isn't a pointed question, but it's blunt.

Charlotte looks murderous when she turns to Beruka, but she doesn't focus on her for long. "Well, maybe not, but it would've been nice! Just imagine, marrying a prince..." She sighs dreamily then brings the knife down on the daikon. It's a bit jarring.

Beruka considers her next question for a moment before going ahead and asking it anyway. Charlotte doesn't seem like the type to get sad if Beruka says something other people would find depressing. "Do you love him?"

"Huh?" The other woman laughs. "I haven't spoken three words to him! How could I love him without knowing him?"

That's an interesting point. Beruka is quiet while she waits for Charlotte to elaborate, but the fighter doesn't. "How would you know if you loved him?" She finally prompts.

"Never been in love, huh?" Beruka doesn't answer. "You get this fluttery feeling in your stomach, like you've swallowed a bunch of butterflies. You get tongue-tied whenever he's around. You can't stop thinking about him. You feel best when he's nearby. And — this one's very important — you feel like you could spend the rest of your life with him." She says all of this calmly, with the smallest smile on her face. "Oh, wanting to smooch him is a good indication too."

Beruka finds that her mind immediately strays to Saizo. It's true that he's one of the few people she finds herself close to, but that doesn't mean anything. Most of Charlotte's points don't apply anyway. She could just as easily consider Selena or Lady Camilla and find nothing there. "I see."

"What, you've got a special man in mind?"

"No." She answers truthfully.

With a loud sigh Charlotte dumps the daikon pieces into the pot. "Just do me a favor and stay away from Prince Leo. He's next on my list."

She decides not to ask why Charlotte has a list or who else is on said list. She'd rather not know.

———————

The longer they spend away from their world and whatever it is Corrin has to tell them, the more antsy Beruka feels. She's taken to training as often as she can, though she's mindful of both her limits and Minerva's. It wouldn't do to hurt herself or her wyvern training. Still, she feels like she's not making any progress and she has to wonder if there's something else she could be doing. Lady Camilla hasn't had any other duties for her, but perhaps someone else will. She's seen Corrin hand out assignments, so Beruka heads into the castle.

She doesn't find Corrin. What she finds instead is fascinating enough to keep her attention though.

"You did _what!?_ " That's Saizo's voice, she'd recognize it anywhere. He sounds furious and Beruka ducks behind a statue and wedges herself between it and the wall before Saizo and his companion can see her. If she were any larger she wouldn't fit back here but thankfully she's tiny.

" _Brother_ ," Kaze's voice is quiet and strained. He sounds almost like he's pleading. "I told you to be quiet—"

"How do you expect me to keep quiet about _this?_ " Saizo's footsteps stop abruptly. Beruka can't move from her hiding spot without potentially drawing attention to herself so she waits silently.

(She also wonders when her life reached this point. Hiding behind things and waiting for the perfect moment to strike is something she's done numerous times as an assassin, but she has no plans on ambushing the ninja brothers. This seems pointless. Listening in on their conversation _is_ pointless. Why is she doing this?)

"Let go," Kaze is saying and she hears a brief scuffle before Kaze speaks again. "I'm telling you, it was a mistake. It wasn't as though I meant—"

"Damn right you didn't mean it." Saizo cuts Kaze off again. Beruka has never heard him sound so angry. "What am I supposed to tell Lord Ryoma?"

"I'll handle it."

That gets a loud sigh from Saizo. "No you won't. You'll just make it worse."

There's a momentary pause and Beruka wonders what sort of expressions they have. She's curious about their discussion as well, but Saizo's fury is something she's never seen off the battlefield. She assumed he fought better when he was angry (a stupid claim but a fairly common one) but this is fascinating.

"Saizo..." Kaze finally says and she can see him move a bit from where she's sitting. Beruka risks it and scoots a little further out from behind the statue to see what's going on. Kaze is kneeling, head bowed. "I'm sorry. I can only beg for your forgiveness, brother. My actions were dishonorable and horribly out of line. I can never begin to atone for them."

The other ninja's expression is obscured from here, which gets Beruka to feel something for a moment. Irritation, perhaps? "Come on," Saizo says, turning on his heel. "We're going to speak to Lord Ryoma."

Kaze rises to his feet immediately and the two of them leave quietly. If she hadn't moved she wouldn't have known they were gone. This conversation has left her with far more questions than answers, but ultimately Beruka can't do anything about it. Tailing after them would be a stupid idea. They're _ninjas_. They're stealthier than she'll ever be. It's incredible that they didn't notice her here.

Again she's confused why she felt the need to do any of this. This isn't any of her business. Beruka shakes her head and slips out from behind the statue, heading toward the castle doors. Eavesdropping on conversations like this is a waste of time. She didn't learn anything anyway.

What was she trying to learn? She's not sure. She doesn't know if she wants an answer to that question.


	6. Chapter 6

Running the lottery shop is easy. Anyone could do it. Who decided to put an assassin in charge of this place? Shouldn't it be left to someone who is incompetent at their job and is otherwise unneeded? That maid Corrin's so fond of immediately springs to mind.

Beruka's been working here for three days now and she's already bored out of her mind. She's sharpened her axe, reorganized the prizes for the lottery, and even checked every ball in the lottery itself to make sure none of them are weighted to give an unfair chance. They weren't. She would consider it a waste of time if she wasn't required to be here for the duration of her shift. She's only been here for two hours today.

Why do they even have a lottery shop? What's the point? Corrin is one of the only people who comes in here and every single time the lottery hands out a dud. Beruka's also confused about where the consolation prizes are even _from_ if they're not from the ore mines or gathering spots in the castle, but she's decided it's best not to question a lot of things that happen here.

She's currently reached the point of boredom where she's drafting lists, though she's run out of useful things to write and is instead listing things she likes. It's a surprisingly long list considering how she doesn't feel anything.

Lady Camilla is the first entry on the list, followed by Minerva, axes, Selena, and dark colors, though she can think of several other things to add. Maybe she'll do a list of things she dislikes next. That one might be a bit more difficult. "Beans" might be the only entry on it. She doesn't stop to think about anything she's writing down, she simply continues.

The last entry on the list before the door to the shop opens is Saizo, and the ninja is the one who enters. Beruka crosses the name out immediately.

(She's not sure why she does this or why she feels like the room is heating up. She suspects this isn't a normal reaction. Does she have a fever?)

"Beruka," Saizo says, nodding in greeting. He doesn't seem interested in the lottery and continues before she can ask if he's here for that. "I've got an assignment. You're coming with me."

It's not a surprise to hear that Saizo's heading out somewhere. He usually takes care of scouting missions for Prince Ryoma. It _is_ a surprise to hear that he wants her to come along. "What about your brother? Doesn't he normally go with you?" Given what she overheard, it would make more sense for Kaze to accompany Saizo if they were assigned a mission.

"He's... busy." The pause between words is punctuated by Saizo glancing elsewhere. She's not sure if he's irritated or feeling awkward. She thinks she might be able to tell if he wasn't wearing the mask.

"I see." She could ask why her instead of anyone else, but she'd rather not spend any more time than necessary in this shop. "Very well then. I'll need to inform someone so they can take my place—"

"No need." Saizo shakes his head, cutting her off swiftly. "I've taken care of it. Get your wyvern ready and let's go."

Beruka nods. She doesn't question where they're going and she doesn't question why Saizo assumed she would come with him. Maybe he's had to work here before and knows just how boring it is. Maybe he realized she was listening in on his conversation and wants to take her somewhere else to try to end her life where no one will see. It doesn't really matter. It's a bit more concerning how easily she trusts him. There are only a few people she would follow without question, after all. Is she really that bored that she's willing to do this with no idea of what his intentions are?

Yes. She is. Besides, he probably won't kill her. That would only create more problems between Hoshido and Nohr. Saizo wouldn't do that to Prince Ryoma.

Minerva is eager to go as well and it doesn't take long for Beruka to check her supplies and meet Saizo near the gate. He still doesn't seem comfortable around Minerva, but Beruka supposes that's natural. There aren't any wyverns in Hoshido.

Saizo leads her to a place in the woods; it's a portal to a deeprealm that she's not familiar with. "Why are we going here?"

"We're scouting for a safe deeprealm." Saizo says. He doesn't elaborate and enters the portal.

She follows, of course. They arrive in a wheat field not far from a village. The village is tiny and the field is well-tended. If there's this much wheat available, it seems like this is probably a safe place. Beruka notices that Saizo's immediately tense, however. He's checking the area carefully for any potential dangers. Minerva's perfectly calm and Beruka pats the side of her neck. "It should be safe. Minerva's good at sensing danger."

Saizo looks up at them warily. "If you say so." He doesn't relax. She didn't expect him to.

The village is just as peaceful as she thought it would be, though they're approached immediately by children who want nothing more than to poke and prod Minerva. Beruka still doesn't know what to do with children, so she remains on her mount. Saizo leaves her to speak with someone in the village and Beruka begins to wonder why she was brought here at all. She was expecting to fight. Entertaining children is not something she can do.

"Can it fly, lady?" One of the kids asks, eyes wide.

"Yes, she can fly."

"Wow! Can we go flying? Please!"

"Riding a wyvern is dangerous even for those who have trained for it. You're just children. It would take years before you could hope to ride one into battle."

The kids pout and look pretty disappointed, but Beruka's not about to change her mind. The kids run off and pretend to hit each other with weapons and fly around on invisible wyverns. Children are very strange. She's not sure why they would want to play games involving pretend murder. Do all children act like this?

Thankfully Saizo doesn't take very long and soon he's gesturing for Beruka to follow him. As they're leaving the village Beruka finally has to ask, "What was the purpose of this?"

"Like I said, I had to figure out if this deeprealm's safe."

"Why?"

Saizo stops and considers for a moment before looking up at her. His face is surprisingly impassive, given the news he delivers. "Princess Sakura is pregnant."

" _What?_ " Of all the things Beruka was expecting to hear, this was the last one. She stares at Saizo. There should be some sort of punchline to that joke (it _is_ a joke, isn't it? she's always been terrible at telling), but he looks as serious as always.

"Yeah. She's getting married and the kid's not due for awhile, so keep it quiet."

She nods, though she still can't wrap her head around what she's just heard. "Who is she marrying? I wasn't aware she was interested in anyone." That's not really a surprise though. Beruka doesn't keep up with most of the people in the army. She only cares about Lady Camilla and Selena, and maybe Saizo if she's being generous. Perhaps she should have been paying more attention. Relationships aren't important, but keeping tabs on everyone else is.

Saizo rolls his good eye and scoffs. "You're losing your touch if you missed that. She's been doing nothing but hanging out with my brother for a long time."

Princess Sakura and Kaze... That's certainly not something she had thought about. Beruka's eyes narrow as she considers this. Now that she's thinking about it, she _has_ seen Kaze and Princess Sakura spending time together, but she never thought it was romantic interest. Is she really that dense that she could miss something so important—

"Wait. She's pregnant..." It takes her a moment, then Beruka stares at Saizo again. "Your brother—"

" _Don't,_ " Saizo warns, expression tight. "I don't want to think about it."

Beruka has no idea what to say to that. She would have assumed that the princess would wait, but apparently not. "I... see." She finally says, though she doesn't understand at all. It finally occurs to her that this is probably what the brothers were talking about and why they needed to speak with Prince Ryoma. She's not sure what sort of emotion most people would feel at the realization that they overheard a conversation about a younger brother accidentally impregnating a princess while the older brother serves the royal family. Aside from surprise, she feels nothing. Is it a good thing that she feels surprised? She doesn't think so. That's not very useful to serving Lady Camilla.

Saizo leads the way back to the castle. Minerva seems pretty upset that she didn't get to fly or battle today and Beruka decides that a night flight might be the best way to clear both her head and Minerva's. She's not sure why she feels so out of it. This never happens. "Saizo," She says once they've reached the castle grounds, "I'm going out."

"Where?" He asks, quirking an eyebrow.

"For a flight. Minerva needs it." Beruka probably needs it too, in all honesty.

"Fine, I'll let someone know."

"Thank you." She taps her heels into Minerva's sides and the wyvern takes off. Saizo watches them go and he only turns away when they're high up in the air. She only looks away from him when he enters the castle.

There's one spot Minerva and Beruka both enjoy here. It's a good distance away from the castle, at the top of a large hill where the lights from the castle are merely a dim glow. Everything falls away here; nothing seems to matter but the stars above. Beruka climbs down and gestures for Minerva to go. The wyvern won't stray too far from her and will keep an eye out for danger, not that there should be any out here.

Beruka lies on her back, arms folded behind her head as she stares up at the stars. When she was a child she used to climb up the tallest building she could find and stare up at the sky late at night. Some nights she'd see how many stars she could count before she heard someone coming. She remembers getting past a thousand once or twice.

This has always been a good way of getting everything out of her mind. She hasn't thought about it in years. She hasn't needed it. She's not sure what it says that she finds this necessary now, but Beruka doesn't _want_ to think about it.

It's as good a time as any to start again. She's not sure if she's feeling something or not, but she does know that everything that's been happening has been a distraction. She's no longer the perfect assassin, is she? If she's missing things like Kaze and Princess Sakura's relationship (something that should have been obvious to anyone keeping an eye on their allies) then she really can't consider herself good enough to serve Lady Camilla. She has to be _flawless_. One wrong move could lead to her mistress's life in danger. She's getting soft now that her life is easier. She can't have that.

Saizo is right. She's losing her touch. She can't afford to fall any further.

Emptying her mind and starting fresh tomorrow should help, so she begins to count.

———————

The lists she left in the lottery shop aren't there the next morning. Beruka searches everywhere but they're gone. She suspects she should find this confusing or worrying, but she feels nothing.

———————

Saizo invites her to accompany him on another scouting trip in the deeprealms. She refuses. Her loyalty to Lady Camilla is more important than anything else and Saizo has only served to be a distraction.

He looks angry, but he leaves without comment. She's not sure why her chest is suddenly hurting.

———————

He asks her a second time, she turns him down again.

It still hurts.

———————

Saizo doesn't ask her a third time. It's better this way. If she repeats that enough, she'll believe it. 


	7. Chapter 7

The sliding door to the tearoom is open, as it usually is. Beruka has never understood the point of a tearoom or why anyone would actually want to waste their time by brewing tea and drinking it in a specified room, but given that it's Hoshidan-inspired, she's not exactly surprised that she doesn't get it. Normally she would leave the room alone, but she catches sight of a familiar red-haired ninja and Beruka immediately finds a hiding spot again.

(This is getting old. She really shouldn't be eavesdropping. There isn't anything she can gain from it. He's her ally, after all.)

Saizo is sitting with his back to her, staring out over the balcony at the castle grounds. There's a tea tray beside him with two cups on it, and sitting beside Saizo is another ninja. Kagero. She's got her legs folded neatly under her and she's working on something with a brush and careful strokes. It's probably some of her artwork, which is said to be rather horrifying. Beruka has never cared for art. She didn't think Saizo was the sort to care about it either, but he's sitting beside her silently, presumably watching her work.

They don't say anything for quite some time and Beruka begins to wonder if it was worth her time to hide on the other side of the sliding door. It probably wasn't. Why does she feel the need to do this? Normally she only resorts to spying on people when there's a threat or when it would actually be useful. This isn't useful. She really should leave.

Just as she's preparing to stand, Kagero speaks. "I heard you took that Nohrian assassin with you to the deeprealm."

Maybe she can spare a bit of time to listen in.

Saizo grunts in response but doesn't say anything. Kagero falls quiet again, continuing the delicate, dark lines on her parchment. "It doesn't bother me, you know."

"Why would it?" His words are harsh. Beruka can't see his face from here, but she imagines he looks angry.

Kagero is once again slow to respond, but when she does, she sounds content, "It's nice to see you happy. I didn't think you would be with so little to do."

"Is there a point to this conversation?" If anything, Saizo's words have gotten colder.

"I thought you might like to know that Lord Ryoma is pleased that you're doing so well." A pause. "He knows how you get when you aren't on assignment."

Saizo reaches up to rub his temple. He's got Kagero on his right side, which is interesting to note. "I've spoken with Lord Ryoma recently. He's not very pleased with me."

Kagero sets the brush down and turns to look at Saizo. From her hiding spot, Beruka can see that Kagero's expression is gentle. She can't make out exactly what it is, but it's similar to the one Camilla wears when she's trying to explain things to Beruka. Patient, perhaps, but there's something else there that she can't place. "Kaze?" Kagero asks simply.

"So you heard."

"Lord Ryoma isn't very good at keeping secrets." She says with a small smile. "I'm sure you're not pleased with your brother, but please don't be so hard on him. Isn't it a good thing that he's found love?"

"He slept with Princess Sakura." Saizo says bluntly. He turns to look at Kagero and Beruka isn't surprised to see he looks irritated. "He could have had some _restraint_."

Kagero shakes her head, but she looks amused. "We didn't have any restraint."

That gets Saizo to look away and say something Beruka doesn't catch. Kagero's smile is gentle and when she reaches for Saizo's mask, Beruka feels like she can't catch her breath. "Saizo."

He catches her hand before she can touch the mask and when he turns back to look at her, his expression is unreadable. "Kagero, no."

"This is because of her, isn't it?" Kagero doesn't seem disappointed. If anything, her smile is brighter now. She pulls her hand away.

"It's not—" Saizo starts, but he interrupts himself and reaches up to his temple again. The mask is obscuring the bottom half of his face, but Beruka thinks he's in pain.

Kagero's reaction only cements that belief. She reaches out to Saizo and her expression immediately becomes worried. Saizo flinches away and Kagero stands. Beruka realizes belatedly that the screen doors aren't thick enough to hide her presence, but if Kagero notices her, she says nothing. Instead she gathers a cloth and a pail of water, quickly returning to Saizo's side. She says nothing, but she helps him lie down before wetting the cloth and placing it on his forehead.

Saizo's quiet, but his pain is obvious. He's digging his fingers into his temple and only stops when Kagero gently pries his hand away. He says nothing, but the way his eyes are screwed shut and the tremors that wrack his body say everything.

Beruka doesn't understand what she's feeling. She's seen plenty of people in pain before. She's seen Selena in pain, she's seen Lady Camilla in pain, but they've never inspired this reaction from her. Pain on the battlefield is expected; this isn't. Is that what the difference is? What could be causing this? Saizo has never seemed sick. She realizes then that she knows very little about him.

Whatever is causing this doesn't last long and eventually Saizo's shaking stops and his labored breathing evens out. He's asleep, she can tell that much. Kagero's back is to her, but when the ninja speaks up it's obviously meant for her. "You can come out now."

She doesn't move. She's frozen to the spot. Being caught like this could potentially mean she's dead. It _shouldn't_ since they're allies, but the thought is still there and for once it causes ice to run through her veins.

"Beruka, is it?" Kagero asks again, her voice soft and gentle. "I'd like to speak with you."

Despite the strange sense of wariness (it's not wariness but she doesn't know what to classify it as), she forces herself to stand and enter the tearoom. Beruka stops a few paces behind Kagero and the ninja doesn't rise.

"Don't eavesdrop again." Her words are still surprisingly gentle.

For some reason she feels like she should apologize, though she isn't sorry at all. Instead she asks, "What happened to him?"

Kagero is quiet for a moment before she turns. Her expression is deadly serious. "I don't know. He's been like this for as long as I've known him."

Why is she telling her this? What can Kagero possibly gain from admitting this to her? Beruka doesn't understand.

"Kaze said it started after he received that injury." Kagero glances to the scar over Saizo's right eye. "That's all I know. I never asked him."

Saizo probably appreciates that. She can only imagine how badly he took whatever defeat ended with that scar. Losing his eye was possibly the worst thing that could have happened to him. An insult like that wouldn't be forgotten so easily. Beruka forces herself to look back at Kagero. "I see." She should say something else, but she finds that she can't come up with any words.

"Lord Ryoma values Saizo's service as much as he values mine." Kagero says calmly. "Please do not put him in a difficult position."

She definitely doesn't understand that. What could she possibly do to make things difficult for Saizo's loyalty? "Of course," She says, but Beruka feels nothing. "I should go."

"He'll be alright," Kagero says as Beruka turns to leave. "I'm sure the next time you see him it will be like this never happened."

Beruka doesn't respond. She's not sure she knows how to.


	8. Chapter 8

"What has gotten into you!?" Selena's voice booms and she sounds on the verge of hysterics. Beruka really isn't sure what to make of it this late at night, but she opens the door to her room anyway.

Selena's still fully dressed and she's got her hands on her hips. Her expression says everything it needs to about how furious she is. Beruka thinks back over the past several days but she can't come up with anything Selena would be mad about.

Perhaps Selena's still mad over what happened in the stables? She never did confront Beruka about it, she just went back to acting like everything was perfectly normal. Beruka hasn't commented on it either. Isn't that what she was supposed to do?

Her fellow retainer storms past her and sits on the bed, flicking a pigtail over her shoulder. The gesture is agitated and tight; Selena normally doesn't get this angry. "You've been even more distant and cold than usual!" She snaps. "You were beginning to warm up to people! You were actually kinda _nice_ sometimes!"

Beruka closes the door though she doubts there's any point in it. Half the castle can probably hear Selena's shrieking. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb with me! You've done something! You've shut everyone out! Lady Camilla said you wouldn't even talk to her about it!"

It's true that Lady Camilla had asked her if something was wrong, but there _isn't_ anything wrong. It's not like she shut her mistress out. "I don't understand." She finally says. She doesn't feel anything, but the sense of normalcy — of things being exactly the way they should be — is somewhat comfortable.

Selena tugs on one of her pigtails. "You— You big _dummy!_ " It's not one of her better insults. "Something's obviously wrong! You've been super weird since you went with Saizo to that deeprealm!"

"There's nothing to say about that. We scouted the area. We returned. There was no battle. It was perfectly safe."

"Then what happened _afterwards?_ Something obviously happened for you to just... not talk to anyone anymore!" She flicks that pigtail over her shoulder again and leans forward, elbows on her knees. Selena settles her chin in her hands and pouts. "I thought you were my _friend_ , Beruka. Friends don't leave friends in the dark!"

"Nothing happened. I don't know why you're insisting something did."

Selena sighs and for a moment it seems like she's run out of steam. She looks up though, staring at Beruka intensely for a long moment before speaking. "Where's your necklace?"

"Pardon?"

"The necklace we got, remember? You got one, I got one, and Lady Camilla got one."

She remembers, of course. Beruka removes the cape from around her shoulders and pulls the necklace from beneath her armor. Selena's face lights up and for a brief moment Beruka thinks she might feel something.

(It isn't pleasant.)

"You're still wearing it! So... So are we still friends?"

It takes her a moment, but Beruka finally nods. "I suppose so. But I never said we were friends to begin with."

Selena rolls her eyes in the most overdramatic manner possible. " _Ugh_. You really are a pain." She's trying not to smile and it's obvious. "Look, I'm not worried about you or anything but... there's something wrong and you need to talk about it!"

She could say that there isn't anything wrong, but Beruka knows she's not going to get Selena to give up that easily. If she really felt like it she might be able to outlast Selena's stubborn streak, but that's a battle she would have to be crazy to fight. Instead she sighs and moves to sit beside Selena. "I realized I wasn't being as efficient as I should be. So I'm blocking everything else out. I need to be useful to Lady Camilla. That is my purpose."

Her partner is quiet for a long time. Selena's looking at her but Beruka isn't sure if she's waiting for more or if she's just thinking. That should be something she can read. It's pathetic that she can't. She's still not good enough yet.

"Hey, Beruka?" Selena finally asks. She sounds strangely hesitant. When Beruka looks at her, Selena continues, "Will you play a game with me?"

That comes out of nowhere and for a moment all Beruka can really do is stare. "Why?"

"I promise there's a point to it. Just... humor me, okay?" Selena's starting to blush again and she's getting defensive.

There doesn't seem to be any harm in humoring her, so Beruka nods. "Very well."

"Okay." Selena calms down quickly. "I'm going to say a word and you say the first thing that pops into your head. Don't think about it, just say whatever comes to mind."

"Very well."

Selena takes a deep breath before she begins. "Loyalty."

"Lady Camilla."

"Death."

"Murder."

"Blue."

"Sky."

"Minerva."

"Partner."

"Friend?"

"Selena."

That gets her to turn red again and Beruka thinks she might feel something pleasant. Selena continues quickly though, glancing away and scuffing her feet on the floorboards. "Battle?"

"Mission."

"Purpose?"

That one gets Beruka to hesitate for a moment. "Fighting."

If Selena has anything to say about it, she keeps it to herself. "Nighttime?"

"Stars."

"Emotions?"

"Apathy."

There's a brief pause and Selena looks intently at her for the next one. "Love?"

"Saizo."

Selena doesn't ask anything else and Beruka has to sit there with the knowledge that the first thing out of her mouth after a damning word like that was the name of the ninja she's been purposefully avoiding because of the belief that he's been ruining her concentration. She's not sure when her fingers strayed to the cape in her lap or why she feels like the room is burning up or why Selena _isn't saying anything_ —

"I thought as much." Selena finally says, quietly. Her expression is strangely gentle for once. She's not quite smiling, but there's something about her that's softer than Beruka is used to seeing. Selena doesn't get like this. "You didn't say anything. Is it true?"

Beruka doesn't know how to respond. She's not sure why she can't seem to sit still, but she reaches up to tie her headband tighter. There's no point in it since she was preparing for bed, but she needs to do something with her hands and playing with the cape that Saizo was partially responsible for seems like a terrible idea right now.

"You're blushing." Selena is smiling now and she looks... well, Beruka can't place the emotion. She's too flustered to do anything useful right now and _that's_ exactly why she needs to distance herself from everyone. She can't afford weakness like this. She's an _assassin_ — she's the best assassin in Nohr, she can't be reduced to _this_ so easily.

"Please leave." She finally says. Her voice is stiff and awkward but it doesn't waver. "I don't want to talk about this."

Selena looks like she's going to say something else, but instead she finally nods. "Okay. Beruka..." She gets up off the bed and starts toward the door, turning when she reaches it. "Will you talk to me about this? When you've gotten yourself sorted."

She shakes her head tersely. "I don't know. Please go."

Her fellow retainer leaves then and Beruka's left alone with her thoughts. She could count all the stars in the sky and it still wouldn't help.


	9. Chapter 9

She can't stop thinking about Charlotte's words. Charlotte knew how to describe love and she did it so easily. Is it that easy for other people?

_"You get this fluttery feeling in your stomach, like you've swallowed a bunch of butterflies. You get tongue-tied whenever he's around. You can't stop thinking about him. You feel best when he's nearby. And — this one's very important — you feel like you could spend the rest of your life with him."_

Most of that doesn't apply to her. She doesn't get tongue-tied. She doesn't feel best when he's around. She can't imagine spending the rest of her life with him.

(But then again, she can't imagine the rest of her life period. She's never been good at planning for the future. Her duty is to serve Lady Camilla, for as long as Lady Camilla will allow it.)

There _are_ a couple of things that do apply. She _does_ feel like she's got butterflies in her stomach when she's near him. She can't stop thinking about him.

(But that's only because of that silly game Selena asked her to play. Right?)

It's true that the butterfly-feeling is new and she doesn't experience it around anyone else, but maybe that's just a coincidence? It has to be, right? His name was the first to spring to mind with that word because he'd been talking about Kaze and Princess Sakura. That has to be it. It _has_ to be, because if it's not...

Well, Beruka's not sure what that says if it's not.

She's taken the day off and is now mulling all this over while Minerva flies. She's not directing her wyvern anywhere and occasionally Minerva will do a languid loop in the air as if to make sure that Beruka's still paying attention. She is, of course. She always pays attention to her surroundings. She's an assassin — she's the _best_ assassin — she can't afford to let anything slip by.

So if this _is_ some sort of attraction (that she shouldn't be able to feel because that involves emotions) then she needs to sort it out as quickly as possible. She won't be of any use to Lady Camilla if she's having trouble with something so simple.

(It's probably simple to other people, isn't it? Why is she so different?)

If she was talking to Selena about this, she's sure Selena would suggest talking to him. Is that the best thing to do? If she does talk to him, should she tell him about this? No, the thought alone is causing her to flush. She wasn't even aware she _could_ feel embarrassment, but apparently she can. Should she feel something about that? Being able to feel emotions is a good thing, isn't it? Then why does it feel so awful?

"Minerva," She says, tapping her heels against her wyvern to get her attention. "Land."

The wyvern does as commanded and Beruka hops off. This is the stargazing field and though it's the middle of the day, Beruka flops down into the grass, throwing her arms over her face. "You can fly, if you'd like. Keep watch." Her wyvern takes off and Beruka listens to make sure she's not straying too far. She isn't. Minerva wouldn't leave her vulnerable like this.

That's what she is — vulnerable. She's unintentionally opened a part of herself up and now that it's been attacked by _emotions_ she can't protect herself. How do other people do it? How can they possibly handle this? The confusion is one thing and she could deal with that, but the strange sense of pain that comes with it makes no sense. She hasn't been hit and she hasn't been cut, so why does it feel like she's suffering? For so long she wanted to be like everyone else and experience things like happiness and love, but now...

Now she wishes she could just go back to the way things were. Everything was easier and she didn't have any distractions to worry about.

"This isn't a good place to take a nap."

Beruka jolts, pushing herself up immediately and reaching for her axe. She doesn't need to bother and she knows it — if there was a threat Minerva would be by her side.

Saizo looks as impassive as ever. He doesn't seem bothered by the fact that Beruka's first instinct was to go for her weapon, but he probably figured that would happen. "I would've thought you'd be more careful."

"Minerva is patrolling," Beruka replies stiffly. She doesn't know what to do now that she's actually face to face with him. Is she supposed to feel something? She thinks she is, but she doesn't know what to classify it as. It feels as though her mind is racing, but it's not in a good way. She can't figure out what to say.

"Yeah, but that didn't stop me from sneaking up on you."

"She doesn't consider you a threat."

"Do you?"

She's heard the phrase "it feels like your heart has stopped" but she never really understood it. She thinks she does now. "I... no?"

Saizo snorts. He takes a seat far enough away from her to be comfortable. He's on her right this time. Does that mean he doesn't trust her anymore? She doesn't know. "You don't sound sure."

"It's complicated."

"You seem like a pretty simple person. You're not one to complicate things."

That makes her feel warm and she's not sure if it's embarrassment or something else. She's not prepared to handle a conversation with him while all of this is on her mind. She really should leave, but Minerva's too far away for her to call. "No, I'm not." She answers instead, still looking up at the sky and hoping Minerva will somehow sense her discomfort and return.

He doesn't say anything, he seems perfectly content to stare up at the sky as well. Is he watching for Minerva as well? She feels like she needs to break the silence. Why? It was comfortable before. They didn't need to speak when they were working in the kitchen together. "Why are you out here?" She manages to ask.

"Kaze's arena match didn't go well." That's right, they're both working in the arena this week. "I came out here to clear my head." If Kaze failed, that means Saizo failed too. She can understand that. She usually comes out here to clear her head after a failure as well. It's why she's here now.

"I see. Do you come out here often?"

"No. I've seen you come out here though." He's staring at her now and for some reason she can't look at him directly. Why is she staring at the grass? That's not helpful. She can barely get a read on him as it is, she shouldn't be distracting herself with something stupid.

"Have you been following me?"

Saizo shrugs. She can see it without looking at him. "You're the only one who leaves the castle late at night."

That just raises more questions than it answers, but Beruka can't find the words she wants for any of those questions. She finally settles on one, however, "Do you consider me a threat?"

The ninja is quiet for a long moment. He's still staring at her. She can _feel_ it. "Not to Lord Ryoma," He hesitates before continuing, "but you're going to self-destruct at this rate."

"Coming from the guy who injures himself and the enemy?"

Surprisingly that gets a soft laugh from him and Beruka looks up. What does he look like without the mask? She really wants to know. "Yeah, I'm not one to talk. But I'm serious. I don't know what you're doing, but it's not going to end well." He stares at her again and this time she doesn't look away. "It's like your mind is somewhere else entirely. You're lucky we haven't been fighting or you'd be dead."

The harsh words are entirely true and Beruka nods. "I'm aware. I'm... I'm doing what I can to fix the problem."

"What _is_ the problem?" Saizo quirks an eyebrow. "You've been acting strange since we got back from that deeprealm."

So he's noticed it too. Beruka shakes her head. "I can't tell you that."

He doesn't look surprised or bothered or... anything, really. That mask makes it so hard to figure out what he's feeling. It's frustrating. "Beruka..." He starts and she realizes how wonderful it is to hear him say her name.

Before he can continue, Minerva lands nearby with a shriek. She seems frantic and Beruka knows that can only mean one thing. She goes for her axe while Saizo gets to his feet. "Faceless?" He asks.

Minerva lowers her head in acknowledgement and Beruka climbs on. "Come on," She says, offering Saizo her hand. He takes it and climbs up behind her, an arm around her waist.

(It feels nice to be this close to him; it's comforting to have his arm around her—)

"Let's go."


	10. Chapter 10

Minerva was right to be in such a panic. There's a massive horde of Faceless. "How are there so many!?" Saizo sounds furious and he's leaning a bit too far over to look down at them.

"We need to report back to the others." Beruka says as calmly as she can manage, though she turns a bit to grab Saizo's sleeve. "Don't even think about jumping down there."

"Someone has to start taking them out!" He pulls away just as Minerva turns back toward the castle. The movement causes him to lose his balance and Beruka has a horrifying moment of watching his eyes go wide before he suddenly falls.

" _Saizo!_ " She reaches for him, but her hand grasps nothing but air.

In that brief moment, Beruka has to face the toughest choice of her life. There are hundreds of Faceless approaching the castle; she should return and warn everyone of the threat. That would involve leaving Saizo behind, possibly to die from either the fall or the Faceless attack.

She should choose to return to the castle. She can't put everyone else in danger.

She drives her heels into Minerva's sides instead, pushing the wyvern to dive into the forest below.

———————

The landing is rough and she can hear Minerva hissing in pain. Crashing through a lot of branches isn't Beruka's idea of a good time either, but Minerva will be fine. She leaps from her partner's back and immediately begins looking around. Saizo should have fallen somewhere around here.

The Faceless aren't far away and they're moving quickly. She doesn't have long so she can't afford to waste time being stealthy. Beruka's frantic searching doesn't turn up anything though and before long she's circled back to Minerva. She can't waste any more time. She needs to return to the castle or she'll put Lady Camilla at risk—

Something isn't right. The Faceless are approaching, but she feels that there's something off nearby. Beruka moves just a fraction of a second before a blade swings down where her head would have been. She can't see where the person is, but there's a vague outline of someone invisible.

She staggers backwards and manages to catch herself before she can fall. "Minerva!" Her wyvern spreads her wings and begins to take off. Beruka can make it in time, she's sure, but as she's sprinting back toward her companion, an invisible arrow pierces Minerva's wing. The wyvern shrieks and collapses back.

_This is bad,_ Beruka thinks to herself, which is probably the understatement of the year. Minerva isn't going anywhere with an injury like that. It's not life-threatening, but if there's an invisible archer somewhere around here, that could mean that there's more of them. Beruka fumbles through the satchel strapped to Minerva's neck to see if she has anything that will help, but a second arrow grazes her shoulder. "Minerva, I'm sorry," She apologies quietly before turning to the direction she believes the arrow came from.

She can't see the archer. This isn't the first time they've dealt with invisible enemies, but they're still difficult to fight. Beruka readies her axe and charges, swinging it where she thinks the invisible enemy is. There aren't any screams or any indication that she's hitting anything other than the bushes. She can feel the frustration clearly. She should be able to pinpoint her target's location and take them out swiftly.

(Perhaps she'd be pleased that she's feeling something if the situation was different. Isn't that a good thing?)

A shuriken comes whizzing out of nowhere, embedding itself into the tree next to her. There's a cry from something nearby and Beruka whips around, bringing her axe into the invisible archer's side. She can feel it and she can see the blood and then the archer collapses. He disappears in a cloud of purple smoke and Beruka coughs as she stumbles away.

"Are you alright!?" Saizo's voice is loud and if she had more time to analyze it, she'd probably wonder what emotion was present there. He doesn't sound angry, at least.

"Yes, I'm fine." She waves the last of the smoke away and turns to him. Saizo's holding his left arm close to his chest and it's obviously broken judging from the way it's bent. "Saizo..." She nearly asks him if _he's_ alright, but that's a stupid question given the state of his arm. "Minerva's injured, we can't fly." She says instead. A report of the situation is important.

"Damn," Saizo hisses. "I'm not going to be of much use like this."

Beruka returns to the tree to pull Saizo's shuriken free. She hands it back to him before swiftly turning to Minerva. "We're not safe. There was an enemy with a sword—"

"I already got him."

She spares a moment to stare at him and wonder why he thinks he's not going to be useful when he already took out the invisible enemies with a broken arm. "We need to move."

Minerva is back on her feet, her right wing folded inwards. She's making soft pained sounds and Beruka's expression hardens. "They're dead." She informs her wyvern and once again she digs through the pack. "Please hold on for a little longer. We'll have to walk back to the castle." _At least Saizo's leg isn't broken,_ she thinks to herself.

"No." Saizo shakes his head. "You go on ahead. If it's all three of us, no one's going to make it back."

Her eyes are narrowed even as she pulls a vulnerary from the pack. She only has one. "I'm not leaving either of you behind."

"If you don't we're all going to die and everyone in the castle will be in danger." Saizo pauses for a moment as something occurs to him. "Why the hell didn't you go back to the castle? You should have gotten help! You've put everyone in danger as it is!"

She considers Minerva and Saizo for a moment before shoving the vulnerary in Saizo's good hand. "Shut up and start walking."

Saizo doesn't seem to know what to do with that, but he holds the vulnerary for a moment before reaching for his mask and... presumably realizing that he can't remove it with his good hand occupied. "Hold this," He grunts and Beruka is positive that he's blushing. She takes the potion and watches as Saizo removes the mask.

Beruka had always wondered how Kaze and Saizo were supposed to be twins when they looked nothing alike, but once he's got the mask off she understands. Saizo _does_ look like Kaze. He's impressively beautiful.

"Hand it over and stop staring."

She does as he asks, but tearing her eyes away is far harder than she'd care to admit. Once he's downed the potion and got his mask back on, he starts walking. Minerva follows, proving that she's surprisingly speedy on the ground. Beruka brings up the rear, trying to block any pointless thoughts out and focus on their surroundings.

(Didn't Charlotte say something about wanting to kiss him being a sign that you like him?)

Beruka isn't going to let anything else happen to Saizo or Minerva. They don't have much time, but maybe if luck is on their side they'll be able to reach the castle before they're attacked again. Minerva can outpace the Faceless even on foot.

If that wasn't the last of the invisible enemies, they'll be in trouble.

———————

The castle is finally visible on the horizon and though it's getting late, they should be able to make it back before nightfall at the pace they're going. They're riding on Minerva now and the wyvern is taking her pain in stride. She occasionally makes little grunts in pain, but she's tough. She's going to need awhile to recover from an injury like this, but Beruka's proud of her.

Saizo isn't doing as well, though he's doing his best to mask the pain. He's sitting in front of her this time so she can ensure he won't fall off. Saizo's much taller than she is and it's fascinating to watch the way his shirt moves as he's trying to keep his left arm clutched close to his chest and maintain his balance. Her arms are around his waist this time to steady him and if the situation were less dire, she'd probably be blushing.

The situation _is_ dire though, and she can't admire his back forever. "We've got company." She says when Minerva starts snarling.

A thunder spell fires nearby and Beruka jumps off of Minerva. "Keep going. I'll stop them." Minerva whines, but she knows how serious this is and she continues. Before Saizo can say anything or hop down, Beruka snaps, "You too."

Obviously the ninja isn't going to have any of that and he's by her side in an instant. His left arm is useless, but his right is good and he only needs one to throw a shuriken. "Don't boss me around."

Beruka's eyes narrow and she spares him a glance for a moment. "Then don't die."

The invisible mages try to put distance between them, but Saizo's aim is incredible. He can sense them better than she can, so he's able to hit them and temporarily knock them into her vision. They don't become fully visible when they're hit, but it's enough for her to bring her axe down on them. They're not particularly strong, but there are a lot of them. By the time they've cut down five of them Beruka's breathing hard and she knows Saizo's not doing any better. There are several more though, and when a hand axe lands in the ground near her feet she realizes that they're not going to stop.

"You need to go." She wishes she had another weapon or at least another vulnerary. She could last longer with either of those. Why wasn't she prepared for the worst case scenario? She should have never let her guard down like this. The castle has been safe for quite some time, but she knows better than to believe that will keep everyone safe. "Make sure Minerva gets back safely."

" _No_." Saizo snaps back. She turns to glance at him and she has to wonder when he had the time to turn his scarf into a makeshift sling to support his left arm. He's breathing hard and he looks like he's not going to last much longer. "I can take them out, just get out of the way."

She knows exactly what he has planned and Beruka's mouth twitches. "Absolutely not! Are you stupid? You'll _die_."

"One of us is going to have to." Saizo spares her a glance. He's serious about this. He's also _right_ , which gets Beruka to grit her teeth.

Saizo stands a better chance of taking out more of them. He can create an explosion and that will kill a good amount of them and stall the others. Beruka can't do anything like that. Logically, it makes most sense for her to return to the castle. She's in better health and she can catch up with Minerva better than he could at this point. If they had been in this position weeks ago, she would have let him die. Then again, they never would have been in this position in the first place, because she would have let him fall and returned to the castle immediately.

"Stop wasting time!" Saizo's shout cuts through her thoughts. "Get going!" He's got his flame shuriken out and he's preparing himself. He's going to do it, he's actually going to die.

"Wh-What about Prince Ryoma!?" She retorts. Her words are shaking.

"Kagero can protect him. I don't want to leave him like this, but this will protect him. I've always been willing to give my life for Lord Ryoma! Now _go!_ " His right eye is open — it's solid white. It's a bit unnerving.

" _No!_ " The invisible enemies are regrouping, that must be why they're not attacking. "No, Saizo, I won't—"

"You know what has to be done, Beruka! There's nothing more important than protecting Princess Camilla, right?" She gets the strange feeling that he's trying to reassure her. It's not working.

Beruka's hands are shaking so badly she's afraid she'll lose her grip on her axe. She has to leave him. There isn't any other option. "I... I...!"

"I'm not telling you again." The flame shuriken is flaring up in his hand and it's beginning to spread up his arm. " _Go_."

Hesitation like this is damning. She's the best assassin in Nohr. She shouldn't be hesitating at all. Her duty is to Lady Camilla; she's failing her as well. For every second she wastes here, she's putting them all in danger. Beruka closes her eyes tightly before turning.

She can't leave right away though, not without saying one final thing. "I'm sorry, Saizo. I'll miss you."

He says nothing but he charges toward the enemies. She can feel the searing heat of the explosion even as she flees.


	11. Chapter 11

"Beruka! Where have you been?" Selena is the one to greet her, but surprisingly she's not near the castle gates. Selena's got her sword out and she looks frantic. "What _happened?_ " She's looking at Minerva now and her expression shifts from irritated to afraid.

"Soldiers," Beruka says, trying to catch her breath, "invisible ones."

"Them again?" Selena shakes her head. "Lady Camilla!" She yells. Her voice is ridiculously loud and unsurprisingly, Lady Camilla hears it.

The princess lands nearby and her wyvern immediately starts fussing over Minerva. Camilla gracefully lands and approaches Beruka, immediately reaching out to fuss over her as well. "My darling retainer, what happened? I've never seen you like this!"

Beruka shakes her head. Like what? She doesn't know what to think or feel. Her mind feels like it's racing again, but she can't focus on anything. "Please return to the castle, milady. It's dangerous out here." Her words sound like someone else is speaking them.

Lady Camilla tuts, clicking her tongue. "You know I can handle myself, Beruka. What happened?"

"Invisible soldiers," She repeats. "Further out." She points in the direction she came from. Selena and Lady Camilla both look in the direction. Selena still looks startled and Lady Camilla looks irritated.

"Let's get you back to the castle. We'll make sure they can't get in." The princess ushers Beruka in the direction of the castle's walls and Beruka complies. She feels so tired now. Maybe it would be best to rest for awhile.

Kaze appears before them suddenly, getting Selena to jump and yelp. "My apologies," He says sympathetically in her direction before addressing his next remark to Beruka. "Have you seen my brother? He was headed in that direction..." Kaze looks a bit nervous if the way his brow is wrinkled is any indication.

There's something funny about being asked about Saizo's whereabouts by his twin brother. If she wasn't so tired, she thinks she'd probably laugh. It's probably the worst thing to laugh at, but she doesn't know how to respond otherwise. Instead she shakes her head.

The ninja looks worried and though she can't see Lady Camilla's expression because of her hair, she can tell that the princess has stiffened at her side. "I'm afraid this will have to wait, Kaze," She says. Her voice is stiff. "Beruka needs medical attention."

"Of course," He replies and with a slight bow he disappears again. Should she have warned him? She doesn't know. She's not sure she's going to be conscious for much longer.

They arrive back in the castle before Beruka finally blacks out.

———————

"Beruka? Beruka...? Are you okay?"

She forces her eyes open, though she'd really rather stay asleep. She can't afford to do that right now.

"Oh thank goodness!" The voice belongs to Princess Elise. She's clutching her staff to her chest and when she smiles, it lights up her whole face. That smile could make anyone believe that everything will be alright.

(It won't be. But it's a nice thought.)

"How long have I been out?"

"Not very long. I got here as soon as I could!"

"Where are Selena and Lady Camilla?"

"They've gone out to fight." Elise pouts. "I told them it'd be dangerous, but..."

Beruka tries to get up and Elise's hand shoots out to push her back. It's then that she realizes that she's in a bed in the infirmary. "No, no! You can't go anywhere yet! You've got to rest, Beruka!" She's still pouting. It makes her look like a child. It's a little irritating to be stopped like this, but Elise _is_ a princess. She sits back against the pillows and Elise's pout fades for a cheerful smile. "That's better!

"Thank you for healing me. Did Minerva get medical attention as well?"

"Your wyvern?" Elise nods. "Yep! She's resting right now too. She'll be just fine! You're lucky you got back when you did, just imagine if you'd fainted out there!"

For a brief moment she considers what would have happened if she had stayed and Saizo had returned. It doesn't do any good to think about it and she shakes her head. "Do you know if the castle is in danger?"

"Leo's got the castle's defenses with Prince Takumi and Xander and Prince Ryoma are out on the field." She tips her head a bit with a gentle smile. "Everything's gonna be okay. Thanks for all your hard work."

Hard work. It wasn't hard. If she had returned earlier...

"Is something wrong, Beruka?" Elise looks worried. She's an open book and easy to read. Beruka wonders if she should feel something right now. She doesn't.

"Saizo is dead."

"Whaaaaat?" The princess stares, wide-eyed. "What happened? Are you sure?" She leans forward, pressing her hands on the bed and clenching the sheets.

"He sacrificed himself to give me enough time to escape."

"Beruka..." Elise mumbles. She looks down and away and unsurprisingly, she starts tearing up. "I-I'm so sorry... That must've felt so terrible..."

Did it feel terrible? Yes. It felt terrible. It doesn't feel like anything now. Wasn't she wishing that she could go back to feeling nothing earlier? Yes, she was. She's not sure if she prefers this or not.

A loud sniffle from the princess catches her attention and Beruka watches her for a moment. Elise rubs her sleeve across her eyes. She's such a kind, caring person. How does she survive in a world this cruel? "I'm sorry." Beruka says. It sounds hollow and flat. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

"D-Don't apologize. It's not your fault. It's... It's good that you're safe. Big sister would've been so upset if something happened to you. B-But..." Another sniffle. "K-Kaze's going to be so sad and S-Sakura's going to be sad too and... and so's everyone else."

"Yes," She says. "Saizo was... He was a good man."

Elise is quiet for a moment but when she looks back at Beruka she seems startled. "B-Beruka?"

"Yes?"

"Are you crying?"

Beruka reaches up to touch her face. Her fingers come away wet. "Oh. I suppose I am."

Elise launches forward suddenly, throwing her arms around Beruka and crying into the folds of her cape. Beruka doesn't understand why. She's only exchanged a few words with Princess Elise before now, but suddenly Elise is crying on her like they're old friends. For a moment she's not sure what to do, but she eventually settles on awkwardly patting Elise's back. The tears will probably stop in a little while. She's never cried before, so she's not really sure.

Instead, Elise's sobs make her only cry harder and it's not long before Beruka's trying her best to maintain her composure and catch her breath.

The princess doesn't move from her side even after she's done crying. She pats Beruka's head just like Lady Camilla does sometimes and for reasons Beruka doesn't understand, all she can really do is cry harder.

———————

Beruka eventually manages to control herself and apologize to the princess and after she's done with that embarrassment she's allowed to go free. She feels up to fighting again, but Minerva is going to need quite some time to recover. It would be stupid to go onto the battlefield without her wyvern, so all she can really do is remain in the castle. Selena and Lady Camilla are out in the thick of it, and even from the castle walls she can see the Faceless horde being taken down.

She's greeted when she climbs up to the castle's walls by a familiar voice. "Oh, Beruka."

"Don't sound too disappointed, Charlotte."

The blonde fighter is sitting on the wall with her axe propped up against it. She's got her legs crossed daintily and a sour look on her face. Sitting on the ground beside her is Benny. He holds up a hand in greeting. "I was hoping you'd be someone here to relieve us of guard duty. This is all we did back in Nohr and now we're doing it here! Ain't that right, Benny?"

"Yep." The giant says before falling silent again.

" _Ugh_." Charlotte continues, "It's the _worst_. I'd almost rather be out there fighting the Faceless!"

"And the invisible soldiers?" Beruka asks.

Benny shudders. "Not me." He's clutching some sort of charm in his hands and he tightens his grip on it.

Charlotte rolls her eyes. "Anything would be better than this."

Beruka doesn't respond and instead looks out at the battle. She can see the occasional bolt of lightning (presumably from Prince Ryoma's sword) and sometimes she sees a shot of darkness that's from Prince Xander's weapon. There are a good number of other attacks and she can even hear the occasional cry of a wyvern. She leans on the wall, propping her chin on her hand.

"So what happened anyway?" Charlotte asks. She's doing her best to sound disinterested and she's checking her nails to further that image, but her words are curious. Benny isn't bothering to feign disinterest, he's staring at her.

"Minerva alerted me to the Faceless approaching. I was caught up in battle." Beruka says. Her words feel stiff and lifeless. "Saizo died."

"What!? You can't just end a story with 'also this guy died', that's horrible!" Charlotte actually sounds enraged at that and she slams her heels on the stones beneath them with a loud _clack_. "What the hell happened to him!?"

She looks over impassively. She doesn't think she's crying again, but she checks to make sure. She's not. "He sacrificed himself so I could escape."

"Ohh," Benny sounds like he's been injured. Is he going to cry? He almost looks like it.

"What a load of pegasus dung!" Charlotte surges to her feet and props her hands on her hips. If looks could kill, Beruka would be dead right now. "You can't talk about him like that! That guy was a total _jerk_ but if he's really dead then are you seriously just going to be so damn dismissive of what he did for you!?"

The passion in Charlotte's words takes Beruka aback. She stares blankly for what feels like a long time.

Benny tries to reason with her gently, "Calm down, Charlotte. This can't be easy for her—"

"Of course it isn't!" Charlotte stamps her foot again. "But you've got to stop being so... so... _this_ about it!" She gestures to Beruka abruptly. "You always pretend like nothing ever hurts you, like you really _don't_ feel anything and _that's_ stupid!"

"I really don't feel anything," She says without thinking.

"Bullshit!" Charlotte's voice is high-pitched and getting louder. "You've been _crying_ , Beruka! Don't think I can't see that!"

Benny has the decency to look away. Charlotte continues staring daggers into her skull. All Beruka can think about is how a normal person would probably find this situation very strange. "Yes, I was crying." She finally says. "I don't know why."

" _Because the guy you like died to protect you!_ Gods!" Charlotte throws her hands up in the air. It's sort of funny how she's resorted to Selena's favorite exclamation. Maybe there's something about the way Beruka acts that just inspires people to proclaim "gods!" when they're upset. She doesn't know.

"Please forgive her," Benny says solemnly. "She's not very good at handling things like this."

Charlotte huffs but doesn't turn around to argue that point. Benny takes that as his cue to keep going. "Are you going to be okay?"

Beruka thinks about it. _Is_ she going to be okay? The answer is surprisingly easy. "No. But I'll find a way for Lady Camilla."

The fighter glances back over her shoulder. "Beruka," Charlotte sounds less pissed off now, "you'd better be okay. You're not that bad. You just need to stop pretending you're fine when you aren't."

Maybe there's some wisdom to those words. Beruka doesn't know. She nods anyway.

They spend the rest of the night on the wall and any discussions they have are on lighter topics. Benny is surprisingly talkative when Charlotte's around (considering how quiet he usually is, at least) and Charlotte continues to be her brash and abrasive self even in front of Benny. They're good friends and it's almost comforting to be around them.

Beruka doesn't cry again. She's still not sure she's feeling anything.

———————

Dawn breaks as the battle ends. The soldiers return to the castle and Princess Elise is flitting around healing everyone. Beruka watches them all from up on the castle walls. Benny and Charlotte left a long time ago but she has no interest in going to join everyone else. She doesn't have anything to say to them. She's sure Kaze will want to talk to her at some point, but she's not going to seek him out. She doesn't know what to say to him anyway.

It looks like no one's been seriously injured, which should probably be a relief. No one else is in danger of dying. She watches the princes talk for a little while, probably about battle plans or maybe about finding a new place to build a castle or something, but eventually her eyes fall on Azura. The princess is standing apart from the crowd, her arms folded and her eyes on the ground. She looks terribly sad. She's not left alone for long though, as Subaki approaches her with a tray containing tea cups and ushers her inside.

Everyone has at least some person looking out after them, even the unpopular princess. Beruka's sure Selena or Lady Camilla would come find her if they weren't having their injuries tended to. Should she feel happy that there are people that will care for her even though she's not like everyone else? She probably should.

A quiet voice draws Beruka out of her thoughts. "Uh... um... excuse me."

Princess Sakura is standing there with her hands clutched tightly in the folds of her skirt. Her face is bright red and she's staring at the stones beneath them. Beruka tips her head a bit. There's no one else up here so the princess has to be talking to her for some reason. "Princess Sakura. Is there something I can help you with?"

The princess shakes her head. "N-No, I... I wanted to apologize."

"For what?"

She kneels beside Beruka, looking out over the soldiers below. Her hands rest on her knees and she looks every inch the dignified princess. Elise doesn't look anything like this. "A-About... about Saizo. I've... I've heard what he did for you."

"Oh." Beruka can't find anything to say in response to that.

"K-Kaze... He sends his condolences too."

"Did Princess Elise tell you?"

Princess Sakura nods. "Y-Yes. She was very distraught."

She's sure Kaze and Sakura weren't any better. Beruka tips her head a bit as she considers her next words carefully. "Are you and Kaze still getting married soon?"

The princess bites her lip and looks away. She manages to blush even brighter. "W-We're still discussing that. It... It doesn't seem appropriate r-right now."

"He'd want you both to be happy." Beruka's surprised by her own words. She knows this, but she hadn't realized she knew it. "He was looking into deeprealms for the two of you, wasn't he?"

Sakura nods again. She still won't look at Beruka. "I know, but..."

Her quiet words are cut off from some commotion below them. The castle gates are opened and Silas charges in. He's yelling something and several people gather around his horse immediately, but Beruka only has eyes for the person Silas is holding. She doesn't hear Sakura's startled "O-Oh!" from beside her.

Saizo is alive.


	12. Chapter 12

They won't let her in to see him for several hours. Beruka sits outside the room and waits. She's hoping that her unnerving stare will get them to reconsider, but they don't. The younger princesses take turns in the room and neither of them will meet her eyes when they leave. She watches the other healers go in and leave as well. That's not a good sign at all, but he's _alive_. He's _alive_ and they won't let her see him.

"Beruka, is it?" Prince Ryoma is the first to address her and she quickly rises to her feet. The bow she gives him is perfectly practiced — low enough to be respectful, not low enough to expose the back of her neck. "Have you been waiting her for long?"

"Since he was brought in." She says truthfully.

The prince nods. "You'll be allowed in to see him momentarily. He's resting right now. Try not to wake him."

"Of course." She feels insulted that he'd think otherwise. She's an _assassin_ , she's good at being quiet.

Oh, she's actually feeling something. That's... well, that's something to consider later.

They do allow her in momentarily and Beruka sits by Saizo's side. She remains on his left side so he can see her when he wakes up. She doubts he'd want to wake up to find anyone on his right side.

Beruka waits patiently as the hours tick by. Saizo's arm has been set and his burns have been healed, but he's going to require a lot of rest and he'll need time to recover properly. They'll be able to fix his arm up soon, she's sure. Until then, all they can really do is wait. He doesn't seem to be in any danger, but Beruka waits vigilantly at his side anyway.

She doesn't get any sleep that night, but when he finally opens his eyes it's all worth it. He stares up at the ceiling for a long time before his good eye finally falls on her. He doesn't say anything at first and she feels like her heart has stopped again.

This is an important moment, isn't it? If this were a story, she imagines now would be the moment where she tells him she loves him.

"So you didn't die." He says instead, promptly killing the moment.

"I thought you had." She replies, further burying it.

Saizo grunts and shifts a bit in bed. He's not looking at her anymore. "Doesn't matter now. I'm alive."

"Yes, you are."

The silence is deafening. Saizo doesn't even look comfortable with it for once. Beruka isn't sure what to say to break it. Should she tell him that she's sorry that it came to that? Should she tell him she missed him, that she cried for the first time because of him? No, she doesn't think that will do any good. But surely there's something to say...

"How long have you been sitting here?" Saizo asks first. He's staring up at the ceiling. He looks angry. It's still hard to tell with that mask on.

"I don't know." She responds hesitantly. "It's been a long time."

Another grunt. "You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to."

That does get him to look over and he seems to be studying her. She doesn't look away. She never wants to look away again. "I didn't think you were the sort of person to worry about others."

She doesn't really have an argument for that. She _wasn't_ the sort of person to care and she suspects that had it been anyone else, she wouldn't have bothered. Lady Camilla and Selena are exceptions, but her ability to care ends there. "Not usually."

Saizo looks away again. She continues staring at him. Even with the mask on his profile is stunning. She's not sure she'll ever get tired of looking at him. "What the hell are you doing?" He finally snaps, glancing at her again.

He's _definitely_ flushed now. The mask doesn't cover it as well as Saizo would probably like. It's kind of cute, actually. "I didn't think I'd get another chance to see you again." She says, like it's the simplest thing in the world.

It only makes Saizo's blush darken into a bright red that nearly matches his hair. "Hmph." He says instead and turns away.

Beruka can feel herself smiling. It's a strange sensation. "I'm glad you're alive. I've never been more relieved."

"I thought you didn't feel anything."

"I usually don't. You make me feel things."

Saizo glances back at her again. The blush is gone and he looks very serious. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

There's a long moment of silence where the two of them look at each other and once again it seems like the perfect moment to confess. She probably should. This is the sort of thing she shouldn't keep quiet forever, especially if he doesn't like her. That would make things awkward, wouldn't it?

"Beruka," He says, glancing away. He forces himself to look back at her and he's flushed again. She still finds it cute. "Will you... ugh." He sounds disgusted then tries again. "Take me stargazing with you." It's forceful and it doesn't leave any room for argument.

She tips her head a bit. "Are you asking me on a date?"

" _No_." He's bright red now. "No, that's not—"

"Because if you were, I'd say yes. I'd like to go stargazing with you." She cuts him off smoothly. It's probably the smoothest she's ever been in her life.

Saizo stares at her for a long moment. His good eye is wide and he doesn't seem to know what to do with that. "Really?"

"Yes, really." Beruka's smile widens. The butterflies in her stomach feel like a good thing, for once.

The ninja reaches up to remove his mask and set it aside. She only has a moment to admire him before his hand is grabbing the front of her cape and pulling her down. He's surprisingly strong and she allows it. She isn't surprised when he kisses her and even though she's never kissed anyone before, she finds it comes naturally.

When they break she remains over him, one hand resting lightly on his shirt and the other supporting her on the bed. "I think I love you," She mumbles softly.

"I think I love you too." He replies with a smirk. She's never seen an expression quite as attractive as that one.

The sliding door opens then and both of them look up. "D-Did I interrupt something?" Princess Sakura asks, looking scandalized. That's possibly the most hilarious thing Beruka can think of in the moment and she starts laughing. Princess Sakura quickly looks concerned and Saizo rolls his eyes.

Everything is going to be okay. Beruka can finally allow herself to feel every emotion Saizo has inspired in her.


	13. Chapter 13

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"If you keep fussing over me, I'm leaving."

Beruka sighs, but as usual, she can't wipe the smile off her face. It's been several days since the battle and Saizo's recovery has been speedy. He's still favoring his right arm, but the rest of his injuries have healed up nicely. She can't help but worry a bit though, because she's not sure what she'd do if anything happened to him again.

Coming out here didn't seem like a good idea after the battle, but no Faceless or invisible soldiers have been seen for days. Minerva is nearby as well — she's fully healed and prepared for a rematch with the invisible enemies if she sees them again, so Beruka has no doubts that they'll be safe.

Besides, she did say she'd take Saizo stargazing. It'll be dark enough for that soon, but for now she's content pulling him to the grass beside her. "It's going to be clear tonight. We'll be able to see a good amount of stars."

"Yeah," Saizo replies, glancing up at the sky. "It'll be nice."

She reaches for his mask while he's contemplating that but he doesn't stop her from removing it. "You're so handsome," She murmurs.

He rolls his good eye. "You see why I wear it? You'd just get distracted if I didn't."

"You're so thoughtful." Beruka smiles when he starts to turn pink again.

"Shut up."

The stars do come out eventually, but neither of them are paying attention by that point.

———————

Princess Sakura and Kaze have a traditional Hoshidan wedding less than a week later. Maybe "traditional" isn't the right word since there's a princess involved, but it's certainly a lively affair. Beruka isn't familiar with the Hoshidan culture, so everything seems new and fascinating. This only serves to annoy and probably embarrass Saizo.

"Quit staring," He grunts for the fifth time that night. He adjusts the collar of his yukata and glances away. He's not wearing the mask so the blush is obvious.

"Easier said than done." Beruka replies with a small smile. "You make it very difficult."

"Hey, Beruka!" Selena's voice is as loud as usual and when she approaches she smirks at both of them knowingly. "I was wondering where you— _Ugh!_ What are you _wearing?_ "

"My armor."

"You're supposed to be dressed up! _Come on!_ " Selena grabs Beruka's wrist and tugs. Beruka glances apologetically up at Saizo before she's pulled away. It doesn't take Selena long to shove Beruka into a changing tent and thrust the proper clothes in with her. Beruka struggles for a little while before Selena steps in to help. She's a bit surprised to find that Selena knows exactly what she's doing and it isn't long before Beruka's in a yukata of her own. It's a simplified design because according to Selena, Beruka wouldn't be able to stand being in a proper kimono.

The yukata she's wearing is a dark red with patterns of white cherry blossoms up the sides. The neckline is low, but it shows off the necklace she shares with her fellow retainer and Lady Camilla. "This will look great with Saizo's!" Selena exclaims, clapping her hands together in joy. Saizo's yukata is dark blue, so Beruka supposes they'll look nice together.

"Does everyone know?" She asks, tipping her head as she pulls the collar up. It feels weird not having something up against her neck.

Selena laughs. "Of course! You two are basically inseparable." She winks and then reaches up for Beruka's headband. She tugs at the usual bow so it falls away and takes it before Beruka can grab for it. "You don't need this either! Here, wear this." A hairpin is shoved in Beruka's hands instead.

She looks at it with a frown. It's a white cherry blossom so it obviously goes with the yukata, but it seems weird to wear that. She's used to the headband. "Why?" She finally asks instead.

"Because you'll look cute." Selena's response is forceful, like she expects this to explain everything.

Beruka rolls her eyes. "Help me with it, then."

Selena turns her loose soon enough and it isn't hard for Beruka to pick Saizo out from the crowd. He's not very tall but he's got a sour expression on and his arms folded like he doesn't want to be here despite the fact that this is his brother's wedding celebration. She's smiling when she approaches and Saizo's irritated expression falls away immediately.

Saizo doesn't say anything at first, instead he takes her hands. "How do I look?" She asks with a smirk. It's not exactly a nice expression, but Saizo's blushing anyway.

"Perfect," He says quietly and when he leans down to kiss her it's like nothing else in the world matters.

She understands happiness and she understands love. She's gotten to feel all sorts of things with him and Beruka thinks this is where she's supposed to be in life. She's Lady Camilla's loyal retainer, but she can see herself building a future with Saizo. She's no longer bound by her inability to feel things or the past that taught her how to live like that. She's free and there isn't anyone else in the world she'd rather be with.

"I love you," She finally says and she means it.

Saizo's smile is surprisingly gentle. "I love you too." He's still blushing, but for once he's not rebuffing it or getting embarrassed by it.

"So when are we getting married?"

"Don't push your luck."


End file.
